iPIGRAMS 



A n D 



1 u ll mOm ETTES 



MPSON .JOHNSON 





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Book fl2A?EG 



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COPYRIGHT DEPOSm 



EPIGRAMS 



AND 



SERMONETTES 



(INCLUDING HAMMIE SMOOGLES) 



BY 

JACOB THOMPSON JOHNSON 



CAPTIVATING : AMUSING : INSTRUCTIVE 

(ILLUSTRATIONS BY LEWIS C. GREGG) 



COPIES OF THIS BOOK MAY BE OBTAINED BY ADDRESSING 

THE AUTHOR, JACOB THOMPSON JOHNSON, 

ATLANTA, GEORGIA 



Byrd Printing Company, Atlanta 
1917 









COPYRIGHT 1917 

By 

JACOB THOMPSON JOHNSON 

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 



UEC 29 !9I7 



©CLA479745 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 






PREFACE 




T is with great pleasure that I present this 
volume to the reading public, and I trust 
that the contents may be found both pleas- 
ing and instructive. 
It was not my intention, when I began 
writing these pages, to put them into book form, 
but later concluded to do so. I hope that you may 
find '^Hammie Smoogles'^ an interesting and in- 
structive character, and that you may become well 
acquainted with him, I have had all his sayings 
])ublished in a small paper-back book, under the 
title of ^^Hammie Smoogles." 

I trust that you may find the English Epigrams 
of considerable interest;, and, that the African 
Dialect may attract you, especially Uncle "Wash and 
Parson Jackson. In presenting these pages, it has 
been my main purpose to philosophize with you on 
Human Nature, but with what result, the reading 
public must determine. 

Very truly yours, 
JACOB THOMPSON JOHNSON. 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

CONTENTS 

Page 

Preface 5 

Meditation Poem 7 

Bin-Sick Conscience '' 9 

Wliat Then '' 10 

Thurs Other Things '\ 12 

Epigrams and Sermonettes 14 

Plan of Salvation 39 

Christian Science 42 

Socrates 45 

Sun Spots 50 

Bankrupt Soul 53 

Spoiled Child 55 

Eoman to Eomans Oration 57 

Criticism of Portinia 59 

In the Beginning Poem 66 

Temptation , '' 68 

The Eugged Pathway ^' 69 

Why December Was Like May ' ' 70 

African Dialect 72 

Uncle Wash Illustrated 80 

Parson Jackson " 83 

Life's Journey Poem 88 

Estate of Man '' 89 

Passing Tide " 91 

The Fool Hath Said '' 92 

Hammie Smoogles 96 



EPIGBAMS AND SE RHONE TIES 



MEDITATION 

Come, fellow man, consider well thy ways, 

Rnn back o'er thy childhood, reckon well thy days; 

Say first, of all thy wanderings in years so swiftly 

sped, 
Hast thou gained or lost, art thou living or dead! 

Sum up thy whole career, and add the columns well. 
Count each day lost, if no progress thou canst tell ; 
Foot up the grand total, and make the figures plain. 
Now, would *st thou live it over, would 'st thou live it 
again? 

I saw thee make thy bold and brilliant start. 
Watched thy daily strife in whole and much in part ; 
Seemed at first as if thou wouldst run a keen race. 
But hast thou not truly stumbled, and slow now thy 
pace? 

Count thy whole life as lost if no good have done, 
Say naught for thyself on earth, thy course is run ; 
But if to thyself and Master thou hast been good and 

true, 
Thou canst not be false to any, a crown awaiteth 

you. 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

In all the lives of human kind, small things truly 

count, 
If thou art versed in these, fame 's ladder thou shalt 

mount ; 
But if for thyself alone have lived, no note of others 

take. 
Thy future life is dark indeed, doomed for the 

burning lake. 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

SIN-SICK CONSCIENCE OF THE SOUL 

Standing on the brink of Mercy, 

Listening to a sin-sick sonl, 
Peering through the veil of conscience, 

Bound by threads of sin's control; 
Catching now and then a whisper, 

Of things unsaid and never told. 
The secrets of the inner chamber. 

Secrets dark, and chill, and cold. 

Myself I took to serious thinking, 

Of many battles lost and won, 
Continued struggles of the wicked, 

From early eve 'til morning sun; 
How temptations round us gather, 

What great things we might have done. 
Had sin-sick conscience in her struggles, 

Never lost, but always won. 

Standing thus, and half-way doubting. 

Wondering what, if all were said. 
Might be the meaning of this conscience, 

If its destiny could be read; 
How a day is fast approaching, 

When mortal man shall hear his knoll, 
All mysteries then reveal their hiding, 

Through the sin-sick conscience of the soul. 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

WHAT THEN 

Suppose the feet conspire to rule the head, 
The hands to speak and hear what may be said ; 
The nose refuse to smell, the eyes to see, 
The state of man would then in revolution be. 

If earth refuse to circle around the sun, 
The planets in their orbits cease to run; 
The heavens then their glory now would lose. 
Chaos reign supreme planets as they choose. 

Suppose the sun, unruly, cease to shine. 
The stars to twinkle gleams of golden wine; 
The moon to show her beauty night by night, 
Swain and lass their love would cease to plight. 

If man alone could by his own free will. 
Command the wind, the mountain and the hill; 
In place of God he soon would strive to be, 
Contending here awhile, there on land and sea. 

Eemember man, consider whilst thou can, 
Who ruled alone before the birth of man; 
Who created, who brought forth the whole, 
Whom art thou, weakling, and from whence thy 
soul? 



10 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

All 'twere better still tliou liadst ne'er been born, 
Than assume to rule with thy power shorn; 
The ages past could teach thy feeble head, 
And histor}^ prove to thee thy power dead. 



11 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

THURS OTHER THINaS 

You ean talk to me of earthly things, and tell of 
even more, 
You can sing about your wealth and fame, your 
palaces galore; 
I'll tell you, pard, thurs other things quite inter- 
esting to see. 
The vessels out near yonder shore — they are good 
enough fur me. 

You can boast of all your wealth and pride, and 
things of that are kind. 
You can talk of how youVe traveled much, and 
what you've had in mind; 
I'll tell you, pard, thurs other things quite inter- 
esting to see. 
The spinning wheel on yonder porch — that's 
good enough fur me. 

You can tell me of your plantations, and the many 
men you employ. 
You can show me all your autos, too, and talk of 
all your joy; 
I'll tell you, pard, thurs other things important 
though these be, 
To clothe the naked and feed the poor — that's 
good enough fur me. 



12 



EPIGEAMS AND SERMONETTBS 

You can write about your cit}^ gals, and talk about 
their clothes, 
You can boast of how good-looking they are, and 
how much like a rose; 
I'll tell you, pard, thurs other things — a country 
gal can be. 
As sweet and pretty as you need — she's good 
enough fur me. 

You can talk about your trips abroad, and about 
your city ways. 
You can tell of how you've fished on board big 
ships while out in bays; 
I'll tell you, pard, thurs other things— ef you could 
only see, 
In the cotton fields of Dixie, pard — that's good 
enough fur me. 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

EPiaEAMS AND SEBMONETTES 
A dead robber is less dangerous than a living liar. 

An lionest man, alone, can not be among thieves 
and robbers. 

Better live in a cottage and own your home, than 
reside in a mansion with pillars and shingles mort- 
gaged. 

A man may be a millionaire and own no property 
or money, another may be a pauper and own thou- 
sands of acres. 

A drunken man may often be called a fool, but 
he was a bigger fool before he took the drink. 

Better be a pauper whose word is his bond, than 
the idle rich man who expects always to be robbed 
of his possessions. 

He who burneth the candle at both ends while 
young, the same is he who useth a crutch in later 
vears. 



14 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

Honesty and virtue are two attributes whicli will 
never go up in smoke, and may always be carried in 
safety without insurance. 

The most valuable thought which ever circulates 
within the domain of the human mind, is that of 
our individual responsibility to our Maker. 

One of the very best signs that a man is religious 
is his meekness, for he who is not meek can not be 
devoted to anything except himself. 

A long tongue and a hollow head make a very 
ugly and dangerous combination. 

The bray of a donkey may be heard a great dis- 
tance, but the mule himself is a trifling creature. 

It is bad enough to stab your fellow man with a 
dirk, but worse to stab him with your lying tongue. 

A woman is the weaker vessel and a villain may 
degrade her, but a real man will always protect her. 

It is noble to desire and to be a friend to others, 
ignoble to wish others to slave for you. 



15 



EPIGBAMS AND SERMONETTES 

We are always ready to condone and defend the 
errors we commit, but more ready to denounce and 
arraign others for committing the same errors. 

The young man who has not been buffeted by the 
storms of life, knows not the stones in the roadway, 
and thinks he has the world by the tail. 

The old man who has butted up against the real- 
ities of life, knows full well that the world has no tail. 

A wise man burns the candle of life at one end, 
a fool at both ends. 

Sincerity is but a shallow farce, unless backed by 
the honest purpose of a true heart. 

A strutting gobbler is a reminder of him who is 
puffed up mth an over-abundance of false pride. 

A moral woman cannot be plunged into vice with- 
out first mentally agreeing to do so. 

If a cow has the hollow-horn we bore for the 
trouble ; if a woman has a hollow head there is no 
remedy whatever. 



16 



BPIGBAMS AND SERMONETTES 

The man who dresses loud, and wears big dia- 
monds, may have a sly eye out for the other fellow's 
girl. 

If you wish the world to be your friends, give 
them something, and if you wish to retain their 
friendship, continue to give. 

The old man will labor, economize and sacrifice 
for thirty years, to leave an estate to his dear son 
Willie. When he dies, Willie spends all in one year, 
and during the next year is imprisoned for holding 
up a train. 

We wish no one to charge us falsely concerning 
the rectitude of our intentions; and, we should be 
more than careful about charging others concern- 
ing the rectitude of their intentions, lest we charge 
falsely. 

False vanity may cause a man to ride in autos, 
even though his home be mortgaged, but a sensible 
man under such circumstances will be found walk- 
ing. 

It is all right for my husband to get drunk, cheat 
and steal, but it is the limit for my neighbor's hus- 
band to do the same thing. 



17 



EPIGRAMS AND SEBMONETTES 

Charge no man ill for writing good things, be- 
lieving he may not live up to the character of his 
writings, for few men have ever lived who did not 
write better than they lived. But who can say that 
because a man writes good things, he may not be 
living up to the character of his writings. 

A rich man may go without much clothing, but the 
poor must dress-up to be recognized. 

Many a man is intoxicated who never saw, or 
tasted any strong drink. 

The world in the nineteenth century is intoxi- 
cated and beastly drunk, on vanity and fast living. 

Better be a servant in a cottage than a vain and 
foolish king on a throne. 

The rich may sometimes be happy, the poor much 
more so, for just cause. 

We would that others would do unto us, but we 
fail to see the necessity of doing unto others. 

The sooner mankind learn that friendship is 
only skin-deep, the sooner they will begin to under- 
stand one another better. 



18 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONBTTES 

We are ready to slay the other fellow when he 
says anything derogatory about our wife, or daugh- 
ter; but how easy it is to say something damaging 
about the other fellow^s wife or daughter. 

How easy and simple it is to tear down, criticise 
and denounce the character of another; but how 
indignant and wrought up are we, when another de- 
fames our character. 

When we make a profitable trade for ourselves, 
we are prone to feel and think that the Lord is with 
us; but we fail to see that the Lord is under any 
obligation to protect the other fellow. 

The majority of the world are interested in 
footlights, and may be called stand-patters. The 
minority are absorbed in headlights, and may be 
called progressives, Edison being their leader. 

Some people can wail and tear their hair over 
the death of a companion today, and in less than 
six months be tied to another with seemingly equal 
devotion. 

Each individual wants the other fellow to obey 
the law, but for him and his family, he sees no ne- 
cessity for law. 



19 



EPIGBAMS AND SEBMONETTES 

Friendship with many is a hollow mockery, but 
the friendship of two true hearts is more precious 
than much gold. 

If you love yourself and worship the same indi- 
vidual, it will be impossible to ''Love your neigh- 
bor as yourself.'' 

If, knowing your weakness, you despise your sins, 
it is quite easy to "Love your neighbor as your- 
self.'' 

"Big I and little you" are true signs of an over- 
abundance of selfishness, one of the most despisa- 
ble of sins. 

He who rides blusteringly past his neighbor in an 
automobile, with a mortgaged home, is not only a 
conceited donkey, but is void of good common sense. 

One of the best things a parent can do for a 
child is to teach him to be self-sustaining ; and one of 
the worst things is to leave the young fellow a large 
estate. 



20 



EPIGRAMS AND SEEMONETTES 

You would be better oif as a dog-catcher in the 
courts of the humble, than a vain and egotistical 
donkey in the society of the rich. 

If to muddy the fountain likewise muddies the 
stream, what may the children of wicked parents 
be called, if not mud-cats. 

Day before yesterday a young man was pursu- 
ing the even tenor of his way; yesterday, through 
mistake, he was appointed to a responsible position 
over others ; his head swelled over night, and to-day, 
when his mother called, he did not know her. 

The noblest impulses of the human heart are 
aroused when good things come our way; and the 
most ignoble impulses of the human gizzard are 
aroused when good things go the other way. 

Many people are waiting and watching for some 
one to come forth and supply all temporal wants ; but 
forget that the other fellow is expecting the very 
same thing. 

It is all right for my boy to swear a little some- 
times, for he just can't help it; but if Jimmie Smith 
were my boy, I would beat him half to death for 
swearing — ^it is awful. 



21 



EPIGBAMS AND SERMONETTES 

The good book says: *'The fear of tlie Lord is 
the beginning of wisdom, ' ' therefore a learned man 
may be an obstinate fool. 

If the squirrel expects to be safe from the hunts- 
man, he must not bark nor shake his tail, but be 
quiet and lie close to the limb. 

If in making a good and profitable trade, we 
cheat the other fellow, and the Lord is on our side. 
He is certainly a respecter of persons. 

The sooner mankind learn that the Lord has noth- 
ing to do with their temporal affairs, such as cheat- 
ing and swindling their neighbor; the sooner they 
will learn that in such cases they are in league with 
Satan and all his angels. 

If the Lord being all powerful is on the Kaiser's 
side, the Allies are to be greatly pitied ; if, however. 
He is on the side of the Allies, the Kaiser better 
surrender at once. 

A man may read many good books, and still deal 
wrongfully with mankind. He may read the Bible 
much and pray often, yet cheat his neighbor out of 
house and home; but how thankful that these are 
the exceptions, and not the rule. 



22 



EPIGBAMS AND SERMONETTES 

One among the most golden of thoughts is that in 
which we contemplate our individual relationship 
to the Kingdom of Heaven and of our eternal hab- 
itation therein. 

The happiest state of the human mind is that 
wherein the thoughts are those having golden wings, 
and nothing is truer than ''As a man thinketh in 
his heart, so is he. ' ' 

It is impossible to conceive that if you and I 
should be cast into Hell, we would be put in the 
same place of torment with the highway robber, the 
murderer, the blackmailer and the slanderer. God 
forbid! 

Cain was most remarkable, being the first child 
born of woman, the first to commit murder, and the 
only one to marry a woman without parents. 

Jonah went in head-foremost, could not turn 
around, therefore, came out feet-foremost. The 
poor fellow was caught in a tight place— the whale 
had the dead wood on him. 

The Bible gives the history of peoples, recording 
the bad as well as the good, but the teachings of this 
book are righteous altogether. 



23 



EPIGRAMS AND SEBMONETTES 

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego when cast into 
the fiery furnace experienced a ^*hot time/' but came 
out without scorching a hair — maybe they were 
bald-headed. 

Solomon is said to have been the wisest of all men, 
and he must have been, to keep one thousand women 
living in peace together. He must also have been a 
handsome fellow to get so many stuck on him at 
the same time. 

If Cain had not been quite so hasty in getting 
married, he might have found a better woman in 
the land of Nod. 

Gain builded a city — wonder who inhabited that 
city. Eve had no other children up to that time. 

Tell me how you deal with your fellow man, and 
I will tell you who you are, for ** Actions speak 
louder than words '* and portray your character 
stronger than that of ^^The books you read.'' 

How natural it is when we are in serious need, to 
wonder why our friends do not come to our rescue ; 
but when they are in serious need, how natural again 
it is that we do not have time to look after them, or 
just don't happen to think of them. 



24 



EPIGBAMS AND SEBMONETTBS 

When we are seriously sick, how natural it is that 
we wonder why our friends do not send flowers or 
come to see us ; but when they are sick, how natural 
again it is, that we don't happen to think of them 
till dead; then rush to the mourner's bench with the 
exclamation, I intended, but! 

There is nothing more beautiful and lovable in hu- 
man life than to possess a spirit of genuine loyalty 
and rugged honesty, in all dealings with our fellow- 
man, for these characteristics are not found without 
a microscope. 

One true and loyal friend who will not desert you 
in time of need, is more desirable than a thousand of 
the other kind ; but, true friendship is a very scarce 
article and is always prized away above par on the 
market. 

It is said that God cursed Ham, and that he be- 
came the head of the African race ; however, it was 
not God, but Noah who cursed Ham. 

Suppose God, or Noah, cursed Ham, the Bible 
does not say that Ham was turned black, neither does 
it say that Mrs. Ham was cursed — both would have 
to be turned black before African children could be 
bom. 



25 



EPIGBAMS AND SEEMONETTES 

It is difficult to determine whicii is the more im- 
moral, he who defiles the body, or he who may not 
defile the body, but whose mind is always imagining 
that others are immoral. 

Many people are constantly expecting and silently 
waiting for something to turn up, or a ship to come 
in ; but do not think to turn up anything themselves, 
or send out any ships. 

No man who is any part of a gentleman will be 
found puffing smoke in the beautiful face of a re- 
fined woman; and when this is attempted, the lady 
should quietly ask to be excused ; and at once remove 
to more pleasant quarters, or into the presence of 
a gentleman. 

Egotism is another one of the most abundant 
things, if it is worthy to be called a thing, that ex- 
ists except air and water; and while they are valu- 
able, egotism was never known to have any value. 

Human nature thirsts for the friendship and 
good- will of mankind ; but how heroic and transcen- 
dent it is to see men and women not thirsting but 
going about trying to establish themselves as 
friends and aids to others. One is noble, the other 
ignoble. 



26 



EPIGEAMS AND SEBMONETTES 

Selfishness may be a good thing with which to 
kindle a fire, and if so that is about all that it can 
be fit for, yet there is more of it bundled np in the 
human family than any other known article. 

The most glorious spectacle among the temporal 
affairs of mankind, is the presence of a well-gowned 
woman of beautiful face and figure, who is pos- 
sessed of a righteous spirit, a brilliant mind, all 
backed up with modesty of tongue and chastity of 
demeanor. 

The next most glorious spectacle among the tem- 
poral affairs of mankind is the presence of a well- 
groomed man, who is possessed of a righteous spirit, 
a brilliant mind, all backed up with real, genuine 
manhood, in purpose of life, whose word is his bond, 
yet active and thrifty. 

It is all right for me and my wife to stay away 
from church and Sunday-school; but I think it is 
positively barbarous for John Smith and his wife 
to do the same thing. 

As my mother is always my mother, I am happy 
to have a mother; but if my mother were not my 
mother I would choose to have no mother. 



27 



EPIGEAMS AND SERMONETTES 

When I see a man puffing a cigar in a cab, ele- 
vator or parlor, where there are others, male or fe- 
male, I know full well that he has not yet learned 
to have the least consideration for his fellowman, 
and that he is not a polished gentleman. 

Vanity is a good thing with which to show to yonr 
fellow man that yon are one common, every-day 
dunce, for the want of gray matter ; but no other use 
for it has ever been discovered, yet it is an abun- 
dant article, common among both males and females. 

Immorality is not at all confined to the body of 
man or woman; but is equally confined to the mind, 
as well as the body. She who is prone to think and 
dwell on immoral things, even though it may be be- 
cause she is all the time mentally accusing others of 
immoral things, thinking herself chaste, yet she is 
quite as immoral herself. 

Some years ago a young man was graduated from 
one of our leading universities. Just prior to the 
day of graduation, his father wrote : ^ ^ Mother and 
me air comin to see you finish.'' He immediately 
wrote back: ^^ Yours received, I do not think it 
advisable for you to come, under the circum- 
stances.'' They did not go. I say unto you of such 
young men is the Kingdom of Hell. 



28 



EPIGEAMS AND SERMONETTES 

When on Judgment Day we appear before the 
Lord, He in order to judge us, will not have to look 
up some long ledger account to find out our status ; 
no, but only to look at the scarred soul — that alone 
will tell the story. 

When I see a young man going through a railway 
coach or a public gathering of seated people, await- 
ing a speaker, singing or whistling, I know two 
things about that young man. He has never at- 
tended the University of Eefinement, nor the College 
of Respect. 

The man or woman, who, having accepted favors 
from father, mother, sister, brother or friend, 
does not appreciate them during all of life; and 
show substantial exchange for such favors, is pos- 
sessed of great ingratitude, and is the worst of 
all sinners. Such a person should be kept in solitary 
confinement until death, then buried in a pauper's 
grave. 

A man may say : I am not responsible for being 
here ; God put me here, I am, therefore, not respon- 
sible. If He save any. He will save me also. Now, 
don't call me a skeptic, when I say that He will not 
save you, without you act your part, in that sal- 
vation. 



29 



EPIGBAMS AND SERMONETTES 

When St. Peter converted three thousand souls 
by the preaching of one sermon, it is not recorded 
that he ever referred to the university from which 
he was graduated, or to the fact that his grand- 
father was the governor of a great state. 

I would ten thousand times rather be in the 
Kingdom of Heaven with a cupfull of happiness and 
my little cup running over, where all is beauty, peace, 
harmony and enjoyment; than to be in the King- 
dom of Hell, with a cupfull of Satan's galling sor- 
rows, where all is pain ; and I would always be hunt- 
ing a location where the heat of dissatisfaction was 
not 212° in the shade. 

The preacher who, having taken a text from the 
Bible, begins to use his polished political oratory, 
that the congregation may admire his unequaled 
educational advantages; and paints many flowers 
on the hillside ; and great ships on the ocean, has lit- 
tle religion, and was never intended to even wound 
the feelings of the average sinner. 

If man were not a free moral agent, and the Lord 
guided his every footstep, there would have been no 
necessity for a Redeemer ; as man could never have 
committed sin, or be tempted to disbelieve, there- 
fore he could not be lost. 



30 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

Many a preacher has gone into his pulpit on Sun- 
day morning with a bucket full of ammunition pre- 
paratory to slaying sinners. He would first begin 
his sermon by taking good aim; second by pulling 
the trigger all right; and third by bursting a num- 
ber of percussion caps. The reason he could not 
shoot to kill, was that the powder which he tried to 
use was soaking-wet. 

It is impossible to conceive that you and I, 
should we get into the Kingdom of Heaven, as if by 
fire, or the skin of our teeth; will occupy like posi- 
tions of happiness and the glorious knowledge of 
God^s Kingdom, as St. Paul, Moody, Sam Jones, 
Billy Sunday and a host of others who have wrought 
out, while on earth, a greater salvation than we. 

It is not so much what you do in this life, as it is 
how you strive to do ; for one may do much, having 
much with which to do; and another may do little, 
having but little with which to do. The Lord will 
give the more credit to the one who strives the more. 
Remember the widow's mite. 

Owing to the free moral agency of man, it is nec- 
essary to have a Devil, that man may work out his 
own salvation with fear and trembling, receiving his 
proper reward. 



31 



EPIGEAMS A 1^ D SEBMONETTES 

It may be said that there is no Hell, but Christ in 
all his teachings recognizes its eternal existence, and 
you may not be there more than ten minutes before 
you are thoroughly convinced. 

The experience of mankind in this life is com- 
posed mostly of ^'ups and downs,'' with consider- 
ably more downs than ups. Up to-day, down to- 
morrow. The world looks good to-day, but bad to- 
morrow. However, life is very much the matter of 
our own making. '^As a man thinketh in his heart, 
so is he.'' 

A young man, some few years ago, was graduated 
from one of our great universities, at the head of a 
class numbering two hundred and eighty. Before 
graduation day he wrote his father and mother, now 
growing old, to come from the farm to see him grad- 
uate. They came, dressed in the usual country style. 
When he was about to receive his degree, he called 
for his father and mother to come upon the plat- 
form; where, standing between them, with one arm 
around his mother, the other around his father, he 
said: ^^ Ladies and Grentlemen, it is my good for- 
tune to have only one happy father and one happy 
mother who are due all the credit for the distin- 
guished compliment paid me here today. This is the 
happiest day of my life. ' ' I say unto you, of such is 
the Kingdom of Heaven. 

32 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

If my friends remain my friends, I am happy to 
have my friends; but if my friends cannot remain 
my friends, I much prefer to have no friends. 

Never charge the Lord with any bad things — He is 
just, holy and righteous, and can do no wrong. If, 
therefore, you see wrong in your midst, charge it 
to the Devil, who largely rules mankind. 

God created the elements which go to make up 
all things. He created the elements which make fire 
possible, but He is not in the business of destroy- 
ing property, or cities, by means of fire— man does 
that. He created the elements which go to make up 
the infant of man, but He is not in the business 
of causing children to be ''Born in sin and in 
iniquity'^— man does that. 

The most uncompanionable, unhappy and unsat- 
isfactory people in this life, are those who were 
spoiled when young. They know nothing but selfish- 
ness and are always expecting something to be done 
for them, never seeking to do anything for others. 
They are always looking for a ship to come in, but 
never think of sending out any ships. They are 
dead, but have not as yet been wholly buried; how- 
ever, the community hopes strong for an early 
funeral. 



3S: 



EPIGBAMS AND SEBMONETTES 

When ttie Devil is chained in Hell for a thou- 
sand years, as we are taught he will be, then man 
will have no occasion to do wrong, and the Millenium 
will be here. 

If two railroad trains collide, because the con- 
ductor having an extra drink neglects to send a 
message, and one hundred and fifty passengers are 
killed, the Devil must have suggested the drink. 

If man were not, by the plan of the Lord, a free 
moral agent, and therefore could not of himself do 
any act either good or bad ; then the Lord would be 
wholly responsible for what he does, and could not 
punish him. 

Your salvation, and your final entrance into the 
Kingdom of Heaven, are not in any wise dependent 
upon how ugly, how pretty, how strong, how weak, 
how deformed, how maimed your body, how intelli- 
gent, or how learned you may be. Christ did not 
teach that salvation depended in any wise upon the 
make-up of the body, but upon the exercise of faith 
and trust in Him. 

After we leave this world, there will be continued 
progress in the next. If in Heaven, our happiness 
will grow, or if in Hell, our misery will increase. 



34 



EPIGBAMS AND SERMONETTES 

If you do wrong, being a free moral agent, having 
the power to also do right, you will be demerited by 
the Lord for all wrong, and merited by Him for all 
good. 

Those who get into the Kingdom will be com- 
pletely happy, but your capacity for happiness there 
may be very small compared to many others, owing 
to how you used your earthly life. 

If the Lord control the actions of all men and 
women in this life, and one Nation make war upon 
another, whereby millions of men are slain, and bil- 
lions of property destroyed, don't blame the men, but 
blame Him who controls. 

Hell may not be a place of fire and brimstone, as to 
that we cannot say, but if not fire and brimstone, 
then a condition of increasing dissatisfaction, which 
will be a torture equal to fire and brimstone. 

The chief difference between the saved and the 
unsaved is : One has become the client of the Lord, 
and who will sin, more or less, so long as there is a 
Devil unchained; but who repenteth and trusteth in 
the Lord; the other is not a client, and does not 
care to be; neither does he trust in Him, but con- 
tinues to sin, without repenting. 



35 



EPIGEAMS AND SEBMONETTES 

When we get into the Kingdom of Heaven, we 
shall be just as happy as we can be, our little tea-cnp 
of capacity will be running over, and we shall not 
know that others are any happier than we ; but, there 
will be others all around whose capacities for happi- 
ness and knowledge are much greater, owing to 
having lived while here more profitable lives. 

The God I worship can do me no wrong in this 
life. He is a just God and sends the rain upon the 
just and the unjust. I cannot blame Him for any- 
thing which may happen to me in this life. If He 
is to be held responsible for my condition here, then 
He must, of necessity, be my guardian, but He is not 
the guardian of my temporal affairs, unless I have 
committed myself wholly unto his keeping, and am 
therefore a saint. 

How long, oh Lord, shall Thy sheep stray from 
Thy fold! When will they be seen to return again 
unto Thee 1 They remember not the magnitude of Thy 
glory, nor the bounty of all Thy tender mercy, else 
they would not remain from without Thy fold. Teach 
them how to keep the ways of the Lord, and to do 
good unto His pleasure forever. Let Thine everlast- 
ing goodness and Thy tender mercy follow them 
whithersoever they may wander, and may the light 
of Thv fflory continually shine around about them. 



3:6 



EPIGEAMS AND SEEMONETTES 

The Lord is no respecter of persons. He careth 
nanglit except for the soul. Whether we have one 
eye, or one foot, or whether we have strong bodies 
or weak arms. The sonl or spirit is the only thing 
in which He is particularly interested. 

If man is not a free moral agent, he cannot be 
held responsible for what he may do. But if he is 
a free moral agent, and there be both good and evil 
from which to choose, and he elects to choose the 
evil, then he commits sin, and is therefore subject 
to condemnation; but if he elects to choose the good, 
having the faith, then there is no condemnation. 
Man is a free moral agent, and works out his own 
salvation for weal or woe. 

Whatsoever a man seeketh that shall he also find. 
If he seek enemies, he shall find cut-throats and rob- 
bers ; if he seek whiskey, he shall find gamblers and 
drunkards; if he seek sin, he shall find the conse- 
quences of sin, damnation; if he seek trouble, he 
shall be overwhelmed with disaster ; if he seek truth, 
he shall find truth, and it shall set him free ; if he 
seek salvation, he shall find peace, righteousness and 
eternal glory. 

A man may be ever so learned and a graduate 
from many universities, yet be a real fool. 



37 



EPIGEAMS AND SEEMONETTES 

I am a free moral agent, I can do just as I please, 
so far as the Lord is concerned. He does not con- 
trol me, but nevertheless, He holds me accountable 
for what I may do, and will judge me accordingly 
on the last day. 

How wonderful are Thy tabernacles, oh Lord, and 
how amiable the works of Thy mighty hands. The 
heavens foretell the matchless power of Thy wisdom, 
and all nature portrays the beauty of Thy concep- 
tion. The stars sing together at evening-tide, and 
clap their glad hands for joy at Thy appearing. The 
mountains with mighty towering peaks, rise to greet 
Thee in the heavens — to say ^^good morn.'' The 
timerous birds delight to sing Thy praises from early 
mom till noon of night. Thy glory, Thy honor, Thy 
mercy. Thy power. Thy goodness and Thy wisdom 
are from everlasting to everlasting. There is 
naught in the universe but Thee, oh Lord, our 
strength and our shield. 



38 



EPIGBAMS A^D S E B M N E T T E S 

PLAN OF SALVATION 

''Whom tlie Lord loveth He chastenetli. ' ' Tlie 
Lord lovetb all alike, the unjust as well as the just, 
and would that all men may come unto Him. * ^ God 
is Love'' and loves everybody and everything except 
sin, and hates not man, but the sin which man com- 
mits. One soul is just as precious in the sight of 
the Lord as another soul. All men stand equal be- 
fore Him so far as His love is concerned ; so far as 
the plan of salvation is concerned. ^ * The Lord is no 
respecter of persons,'' and is all justice, all mercy 
and all wisdom. He cannot therefore cause one 
man to be saved and another man to be lost; or one 
man to become rich in property or health, and an- 
other to be poor or ill. 

Man is a free moral agent, and has the power to 
come into the presence of the Lord, or to come into 
the presence of the Devil; to become the client of 
the Lord, or become the client of the Devil. Man is 
a free moral agent, having the power to choose either 
good or evil; is invited to seek Grod and the paths of 
righteousness, and to deny the influence and power 
of the Devil ; and He will reward or punish him ac- 
cordingly, in other words hold man responsible for 
what he may do. 

The highest compliment the Lord ever paid man 
was in giving him intelligence, reason, immortal 



39 



EPIGRAMS AND SEBMONETTES 

soul. The second Mgliest compliment the Lord ever 
paid man was to constitute him not a slave, but a 
free man to do just as he pleases ; and allow him to 
work out his own salvation, giving him reward, on 
the last day, for whatever he is justly entitled to, 
let that be whatsoever it may, regardless of any other 
creature. 

If He had not given man his freedom, but used 
him as a slave, saying do this and he doeth it, then 
in that case everything man did would be according 
to the dictation, command and power of the Lord ; in 
fact not the act of man, but that of his Lord and Mas- 
ter; hence, He could not punish him for the wrongs 
he committed ; neither could He reward him for any 
good, for the man in and of himself could do noth- 
ing; and it would be very unjust to compel man to 
commit sin, then punish him for doing so. 

If the Lord had not made a Devil to tempt and 
antagonize man, then the man, of course, not having 
any temptation to do anything but right even though 
he be a free moral agent, would not deserve any 
credit or reward for having lived a just and perfect 
life ; but in order that man might work out a life of 
merit and activity, the Lord in His infinite wisdom 
deemed it proper to create a Devil. The plan of es- 
tablishing man as a free moral agent, and also estab- 
lishing a Devil to tempt him, may not meet with the 
full approbation of mankind; however, the plan of 



40 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

holding man individually responsible, and requiring 
faith and full surrender, was established in the be- 
ginning of man's career, regardless of whether he 
might like it or not; and in as much as this is the 
Lord's way of doing the business, man has nothing 
to do but accept or reject the plan. 



41 



EPIGBAMS AND SEEMONETTES 

CHEISTIAN SCIENCE 

Christian Science teaches that God is all and in 
all. He knows no evil and can do no wrong. Every- 
thing is of and from the Lord. There is no snch 
thing as sin, or Devil. Man cannot commit sin as 
there is no sin to commit. We only think there is 
sin, but in reality there is no sin. Each individual is 
a Grod within himself. All men have immortal souls 
and all will be saved. 

The above propositions are in part true, but all are 
not true. They teach that there is no sin; that we 
only think there is sin. They teach that there is no 
Devil ; that we only think there is a Devil. Now, in 
teaching that there is no Devil, and no sin, they 
must necessarily teach that there is no Hell; for 
if there be no sin, we need no place of punishment. 
If, therefore, they eliminate the Devil and Hell, also 
eliminate all sin; then they take away half of the 
teachings of Christ and all the apostles, concerning 
Hell and Heaven. 

If the Lord is all goodness and all power; if He 
therefore knows no evil and can do no wrong ; if He 
rule the affairs of men on this earth, then there can 
be no sin, no Devil and no Hell. Now, if He control 
man, there being no Devil and no sin. He has nothing 
against him worthy of punishment. If, therefore, 
the preceding doctrines be true, why is it that there 



42 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

appear among men, so many things which they think 
seem unrighteous and unholy? Do they really exist 
or not? Are they in reality righteous and holy 
things 1 Are all the things we think we see, such as 
murder, theft, immorality, selfishness and the many 
other items which could he enumerated, and which 
are broadcast among men, really righteous and holy? 
Do they really exist or not? If not, the teachings of 
Jesus and the Apostles are naught except concern- 
ing Heaven and righteousness. 

The truth of the situation is: There is a God 
who is holy, altogether righteous, and can do no evil. 
There is a Devil who is unholy, altogether unright- 
eous and can do no good. There is a free moral 
agent, known as man, who can accept the good or 
accept the evil. There is a Christ, who if man ap- 
peal to Him in the right spirit, having the faith. He 
can blot out the sin which he commits. It is Meat 
and Drink for man that God in His infinite wisdom 
put on Earth a Devil; and then established a par- 
doning power, in order that man as an independent 
free moral agent, may work out in a life of activity, 
his own salvation and merit, which will be awarded 
him on the last day ; otherwise man would not strug- 
gle and work out a life meriting any reward. 

Man makes his own destiny by the manner in 
which he lives on this earth, and is therefore in that 
sense a God or a Devil, the Lord meting out to him 



43 



EPIGBAMS AND SEEMONETTES 

on the last day, the eternal justice which he truly 
merits. Man, in his free moral agency, sometimes 
accepts the teachings of the Lord ; then again accepts 
the teachings of the Devil; and therefore, some men 
will be saved and others lost. The Lord would that 
all men be saved, but He can not and will not save 
man without his full consent, and man gives that 
consent by living it on earth. 

In teaching the doctrine that all men have im- 
mortal souls and all will be saved; and that since 
man cannot commit sin, it naturally follows that 
men who rob trains ; men who commit murder ; and 
men who destroy character and property will occupy 
the same position in the Kingdom of Heaven that all 
others occupy. It therefore further follows that the 
life of one man is just as good and holy as that of 
any other man ; and that there is no earthly use for 
man to strive while on earth to live any better than 
the robber or murderer; and in fact there is no 
harm done if a man knock you down, rob you of 
your money, then kill you. 



44 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

SOCEATES 

Intelligence, intellect and reason are one and the 
same thing. Man alone, of all the animals, is en- 
dowed with these, together with an Immortal Soul. 
The brain sometimes becomes distorted through dis- 
ease or otherwise, and the man is then said to be 
partially or wholly insane. 

There can be no reason, intellect or intelligence, 
without the presence of Immortal Soul. The funda- 
mental difference between man and all other ani- 
mals is immortal soul ; hence the difference between 
the calculating reason and forethought of man, and 
the uncalculating instinct of all other animals. 

The body of man is composed of flesh and blood. 
The indwelling life of the body is composed of im- 
mortal soul. When the soul leaves the body, the 
body decays and goes back to the dust from whence it 
came ; and, according to the teachings of Christ the 
soul departs and goes to Heaven or Hell. 

All animals, other than man, are not possessed of 
intellect, intelligence, reason or immortal soul, but of 
instinct only. In accordance with all Human and 
Divine Laws, if you slay an animal possessed of im- 
mortal soul, you have committed murder, and may 
be punished accordingly; but if you slay an ani- 
mal possessed only of instinct, you have not com- 
mitted murder, and are not subject to punishment. 

45 



EPIGEAMS AND S E B M O N E T T E S 

All human and divine laws recognize tlie immor- 
tality of the human soul, and that all men possess 
such a soul ; but upon the contrary, the same laws re- 
cognize that all animals, other than man, have no 
immortal souls. 

It will be impossible for an animal which has no 
immortal soul, to develop into the person of a man 
having an immortal soul. A monkey, therefore, 
which has no immortal soul, could not become man 
having an immortal soul. In other words, the im- 
mortal soul is not interchangeable with mortal in- 
stinct. 

Concerning the soul, Socrates taught : That the 
souls of men who were gluttons and drunkards 
would pass into asses and animals of that sort; that 
the souls of men who were unjust, tyrannical and vio- 
lent would pass into wolves, hawks, kites and the like ; 
that the souls of men who practiced the civil and so- 
cial virtues would pass into the bees, ants and the 
like ; and, that the souls of men who were good and 
pure would pass into the presence of the gods. 

The teachings of Jesus Christ and the apostles, 
concerning the soul, are : Every human being pos- 
sesses an immortal soul, the final destination of which 
is either Hell or Heaven ; that if the destination is 
Hell it will forever suffer; if the destination be 
Heaven, it will forever rejoice; but that there are 
degrees in both places, and that all souls in Hell will 

46 



EPIGRAMS AND SEBMONETTES 

not suffer tlie same, neither will each soul rejoice 
the same in Heaven. 

Socrates taught, concerning knowledge, that what 
knowledge you may have, you previously had, and 
that what you learn as you go through life is what 
you can recall from your former existence ; and that 
what you learn from school and otherwise, is simply 
calling up, as it were, the knowledge you once pos- 
sessed. If this doctrine were true, then there is no 
new knowledge. Mr. Edison has, for instance, 
learned no new thing. 

If Mr. Socrates had taught the 'transmigration of 
the souP' strictly, and said that the soul of one man 
when dying may be transmigrated into another man, 
and that the instinct of one cat at death may be 
transmigrated into some other animal of instinct, 
the proposition would have been, not reasonable, but 
more tending to reason, than that proposed. 

When Socrates says that man at death may pass 
into the form of a wolf, hawk, bee or other creature 
of instinct, he forgets that the man's immortal soul 
could not be changed into the form of instinct, and 
therefore become mortal. 

When Socrates teaches that one man, having a 
soul, may die and pass into the form of a beast 
having no soul ; or that another man having a bet- 
ter soul may die and pass into the form of another 
man having a soul ; he forgets that the soul of man 



47 



EPIQEAMS AND SEEMOJSTETTES 

is eternal and unchangeable, or that one man having 
a soul can not change that soul for instinct. 

Socrates taught the immortality of the soul. He 
also taught that the soul of man at death may be 
transmigrated into a beast, bird or other creature. 
If, therefore, the immortal soul of man is transmi- 
grated into a beast, fowl or other creature, the ani- 
mal into which it is transmitted will likewise possess 
an immortal soul. And if the soul of man at death 
can pass into the Kingdom of Heaven, or into the 
Kingdom of Hell, it naturally follows, from the same 
process of reasoning, that the soul of the beast, fowl 
or other creature may also pass into either of the 
Kingdoms named. Therefore, if man ever inherit 
either Kingdom, the same Kingdom will be inher- 
ited by all kinds of beasts, fowls and other creatures. 

If the soul of man is not immortal, then it will 
cease to exist when the man dies. If the soul of man 
ceases to exist when man dies, then that is the last 
of the man — his body decays and goes back to the 
dust from whence it came. If when man dies, he 
does not live again, but ceases to exist, then there is 
no Heaven or Hell. There would therefore be no 
use, whatever, for an eternal existence beyond the 
grave, so far as man is concerned. 

According to the doctrine of Socrates, when you 
die your soul may pass into an ox, therefore the ox 
will possess both knowledge and soul. When the ox 



48 



EPIGEAMS AND SERMON ETTES 

dies, he may pass into the form of a snake, therefore 
man, ox and snake are one and the same kind of ani- 
mal, aecording to such a method of reasoning. 

When you were last born, according to the doc- 
trine of Socrates, you may have come from a honey 
bee; and as to whether or not you have knowledge 
and a soul, will depend upon whether the bee from 
whence you came, had knowledge and a soul. 



49 



E P I G B A M S AND SERMONETTES 

SUN SPOTS 

Science teaches as one theory that the sun is an 
intensely hot body. That sun-spots are caused by 
cold air rushing into the depressions on the face of 
the sun. That sun-rays come through ninety-odd 
million miles of ether which is dark, and cold as ice. 
That the sun is three million miles nearer to the 
earth in winter than in summer. That the reason 
that it is warmer at the equator than elsewhere is 
because the rays strike the earth more perpendicu- 
larly. The reason it is colder in winter than sum- 
mer is because the rays strike the earth more ob- 
liquely. That many years ago Florida was as cold 
in winter as Canada. 

If the sun is an intensely hot body, there can be 
no cold air to rush into the depressions on the face 
of the sun. If sun-rays come through ninety-odd 
million miles of ice-cold ether they will not be hot 
when they strike the earth. If the sun is three mil- 
lion miles nearer in the winter than in summer, it 
would be hotter in winter than in summer, if our 
heat really comes from the sun ; for the perpendicu- 
larity of the rays could not make such a difference. 
If the sun-rays striking the earth perpendicular at 
the equator cause it to be so much warmer South 
than North; then why could Florida be so cold in 
winter years ago, and warm there now, as recent 



50 



EPIGRAMS AND SEBMONETTES 

discovery of fossils indicate. If it is so much 
warmer in June, than in January, because the rays 
strike more perpendicularly, then why the thermom- 
eter June 20th at 90° and June 24th at 60°, as the 
rays on both days have practically the same perpen- 
dicularity. If the cold in January is on account of 
the rays striking obliquely, why should the thermom- 
eter stand 40° above zero on Jan. 10th and 10° 
below zero on Jan. 12th, for the slant of the rays 
are practically the same on both days, and the air 
still. 

The philosophy concerning sun-spots will not 
stand to be measured by real logic. If the sun-rays 
govern the temperature of the atmosphere of earth 
the days in summer, according to their own teach- 
ings, would be uniformly warm, and those in win- 
ter uniformly cold— not cold in Florida several cen- 
turies ago, and warm there now. The teachings are 
both illogical and unphilosophic, to say the least; and 
are upon the whole absolutely in error, and impos- 
sible. While we do not claim to know much of 
truth in the matter, we are greatly inclined to the 
following belief: The sun is an intensely hot body 
of electricity, and is the fountain of all animal and 
vegetable energy. Its rays of electricity strike the 
atmosphere, which surrounds the earth, which at- 
mosphere in a certain locality to-day, may not have 
in it, the same relative component parts that were in 



51 



EPIGHAMS AND SEBMONEIXES 

force on yesterday. In other words, one cubic foot 
of air here may have a greater proportion of oxygen 
to-day than a cubic foot of air, in the same locality, 
had on yesterday ; hence when the electric rays from 
the sun come in contact with the air to-day greater 
combustion ensues ; therefore the greater the heat in- 
dicated, or vice versa, which may account for the 
weather being cold to-day and warm to-morrow, hot 
in summer and cold in winter. 



52 



EPIGEAMS AND S E R M O N E T T E S 

THE BANKRUPT SOUL 

I have been doing business at the same old stand 
forty years. I have large plantations, much mer- 
chandise and money ; president of one railroad, four 
banks and a dozen corporations. Pay all bills when 
presented, and should therefore be counted a 
wealthy man, but not so. 

I am absolutely a bankrupt, and shall never ex- 
pect to be able to pay all my indebtedness in full. If 
I pay ten per cent of all my obligations, I shall come 
out well ; some of the claims have now been standing 
many years, accumulating interest day and night; 
many mortgages have been recorded against me, and 
the situation looks gloomy. 

I believe, however, that I am in as good condi- 
tion as most of mankind— they are practically all 
bankrupt I fear, with no encouraging hope of getting 
in a better condition soon. The situation is pitiable 
in the extreme, and now the burning question is, 
''What shall we doT' 

We are all children of one common father, striving- 
together for the same common end. We arise in the 
morning full of hope; to retire at night weighted 
with disappointment ; we go forth to meet the rising 
sun with great glee and song ; to return at eve crest- 
fallen and despondent. 



53 



EPIGEAMS AI^D SERMOISTETTES 

Our political hopes are bright, the people honor 
us with their trust and confidence; our business is 
in good condition, the store-house being full of goods, 
and crops abundant, with good prices; our social 
standing is good, our friends are many, influential 
and loyal; but this does not tell half of the story. 
What shall be the final end? 

My soul and yours, that part only which can exist 
always, are bankrupt forever ; the glory of all things 
is but naught if the soul, the eternal soul, is bankrupt. 
For '^What shall a man profit if he gain the whole 
world and lose his own soul; or what shall a man 
give in exchange for his soul." 

We have fought many battles together, the Devil 
often being our commander, and may fight many 
more; some we win, and some we lose. We have 
honored the Devil with all, or most of our offerings ; 
we have lain them upon his majesty's altar, the 
very best we had ; he has been loyal to us, in season 
and out of season — we have served him well. 

The debts of gratitude we owe our parents, 
neighbors and friends ; to say nothing of the trans- 
cendent obligations long due our Savior and our 
God; we shall never, never pay. Have mercy on 
my soul, oh Lord, have mercy! 



54 



EPIGEAMS AND SERMONETTES 

THE SPOILED CHILD 

God pity the mother who is guilty of spoiling 
her child, for she hath committed a grievous sin, 
and grievously will the child answer it. It is pet- 
ted, caressed, catered to, made much of, given every- 
thing it fancies and more. If there be a nice, red 
apple around, the child must have all, no division 
among the other children of the community, abso- 
lutely none. It is therefore taught to receive, not 
to give; to absorb, not to scatter; to grasp every- 
thing in sight ; not to divide among others ; to think 
itself the only object of admiration; not to admire 
anybody or anything ; and, to always look for ships 
coming in; never endeavoring to send out any. It 
becomes a sponge, as it were, to absorb, to soak-up, 
to gather from others— only to hold. It is a com- 
plete bundle of selfishness. The principle grows as 
the child grows. The only way to get anything 
from it, is to do it as you would the sponge — squeeze. 
Of such is a great proportion of the population. 
^¥hen grown-up, they are found in all walks of 
life, but from them what m.ay we expect? 

The most discontented, unhappy, uncongenial and 
unsatisfactory hum_an beings, who have an exist- 
ence, are those unfortunates who were spoiled in 
childhood. They think only of and for themselves ; 
never seeking to do anything for others. They 



55 



EPIGBAMS AND SEEMONETTES 

never acknowledge a fault, in fact are not capable 
of knowing that they possess a fault. They will 
do most anything, if they think it will worry, or 
grieve you. If you wait on them from early morn 
till noon of night, they do not think to thank you, 
in fact are void of appreciation; and the more you 
do for them the more they exact of you. Most of 
what they do in this life, is to keep up strife and 
turmoil ; for not being themselves happ}^, or content, 
they seek to make all others unhappy. They are 
living corpses, but the community is strongly hoping 
for an early funeral. Peace to their ashes, if there 
be anv ashes! 



56 



EPIGBAMS AND SERMONETTES 

ROMAN TO ROMANS 

Countrymen and Lovers: 

Ye do me honor over-much, when ye call me chief, 
and ye do him honor, who for seven long years, hath 
stood upon this arena, fighting every form of man 
and heast your empire could furnish, and never yet 
hath lost as victor. 

My ancestors came from old Scotland. Their 
bones lie bleached upon her sandy plains, where 
patriotism and heroism are one common household, 
both of which go hand in hand with progress and 
civilization. My early life ran quiet as the brook 
by which I played. 

I have scaled the towering Rockies ; stood astride 
her tempest-torn peaks, with sword in hand; suc- 
cessfully defied the elements around me; and then 
viewed with calmness and serenity the rich and fer- 
tile plains fourteen miles below. 

I successfully swam the Ocean five times, once 
upon my back; and have routed every monster, 
whale and shark known to navigation, which came 
within my pathway. I have slain grizzlies, fought 
lions, tigers, wildcats, hyenas, and all manner and 
form of beasts ; until now they recognize my fierce- 
ness ; come meekly and humbly like lambs ; lie down 
at my feet ; and sleep peacefully with me among the 
leaves. 



57 



EPIGRAMS AliD SERMONETTES 

I have met his iSatanic Majesty and all his angels 
in mortal combat ; cut off his horns and forked tail ; 
pulled out his fiery tongue; and left him and them 
bleeding and dying upon the field of battle ; so that 
in the future he will be as meek and humble as a 
common donkey before a great and mighty storm. 

I am no common man as men are known to be; 
but fierce and full of fire as ye now see me ; ready and 
willing to slay or be slain. I fear no man or set of 
men. I am no babe, but do and say that which I feel 
and know. If ye have tears prepare to shed them 
now; for I see in your midst those who hate me; 
those who would do me harm ; and seeing them it in- 
flames me ; it makes me mad ; my soul is in a rage ; 
and my tongue is set on fire. I speak that which I 
do know ; but I speak the words of truth and sober- 
ness. 

If there be one among you who dare face me on 
this bloody spot, let him come on ! I'll vanquish him 
as I have vanquished thousands. I say let him come 
now! If there be three let them come! I pause. 
None? Then none there are who would face me. 
None who dare harm me. It is well that it is so. 

I tell you all that which you yourselves do know — 
I am no coward, no weakling, no makeshift, but a 
man ; and having shown you this, I bid you farewell. 



58 



EPIGEAMS AND SEEMONETTES 

CRITICISM OF PORTINIA 

The following letter is a reply to one re- 
ceived from the author of Portinia, re- 
questing a criticism of his new book. 

April 6, 1915. 

Mr. James Calvin Hooper, 

Dallas, Texas. 

My Dear Hooper: — 

I received from you some time ago, an autograph 
copy of Portinia which I very much appreciate, 
coming as it does from an honored friend of long 
standing. 

I have read the book three times, each time with 
increased interest, instruction and enjoyment; and 
shall hope to read it many more times in the near 
future, but shall now attempt to give you a few im- 
pressions gathered from its reading. 

Poetry, generally speaking, is of three kinds: 
(1) that which is divided into verses and rhyming in 
couplets; (2) that which is not divided into verses, 
being continuous, but rhyming in couplets; (3) that 
wherein the measure is English Heroic Yerse, with- 
out rhyme. 



59 



EPIGEAMS AND SEBMONETTES 

Under division one may be found the greater por- 
tion of all poetry, the beauty of which is mostly 
dependent upon the rhyme; but such poetry is not 
usually very deep or philosophic, but may be quite 
pleasing. Under division two may be found such 
poesy as Homer's Iliad, and Pope's Essays, which 
are usually deep and philosophic, as well as pleasing 
and instructive. Under division three may be 
found such poetry as Milton's Paradise Lost, which 
carries great depth and philosophy, but is not as 
pleasing as the other divisions named. 

Portinia, strictly speaking, belongs under divis- 
ion two and is therefore to be compared with poetry 
under this class, or division only. Under this divis- 
ion, I find nothing which seems to surpass in beauty, 
instruction, and philosophy, Homer's Iliad or Pope's 
Essay on Man, or his Essay on Criticism. Homer is 
said to be the greatest poetic inventor of them all, 
but I am persuaded that Pope is the greatest phi- 
losopher of all. 

In poetry, as in music, much depends upon the 
''touch." Touch in poetry as in music, is the 
counterpart, as it were, of the writer or performer, 
and in a great measure reflects the sweetness of dis- 
position and refinement of the soul. 

In my opinion the story of Portinia, an epic poem 
bathed in love romance, guilded with pure heart 



60 



EPIGRAMS AND SER MONET TES 

throbs, expressed in most eloquent yet tender and 
pathetic terms, consisting of Love's greatest tribute 
to Beauty, all dedicated to the transcendent charms 
of womanhood, so divinely conceived and chastely 
expressed ; is one of the most classic, pleasing, capr 
tivating, philosophic and instructive pieces of liter- 
ature ever penned by mortal man; and rivals any 
masterpiece of poesy produced by ancient or mod- 
ern authors, carrying with it the most extensive vo- 
cabulary of them all. 

I have never read a more beautifully conceived 
story of love and romance ; have never known such 
tender and pathetic pleadings of love; have never 
read of any woman at whom so many beautiful bo- 
quets of love were thrown; have never seen such 
delicate and refined word-paintings; have never 
heard of one who could so skillfully tint the dome 
of Nature, and artistically shade each little bud and 
flower ; and, I am sure no piece of poetic literature, 
extant, is so redolent of divine love, as your beau- 
tiful story. 

You find Love and Harmony not only in the sun- 
shine of Nature ; in all the song-birds and blooming 
flowers; but in the chucklings of fowls, the pipings 
of insects, the snow-clad hills, the vine-covered val- 
leys, and in all the avenues of Nature. A glorious 
conception. A divine truth. A true philosophy. 



61 



EPIGRAMS AND SEBMONETTES 

I am sure the quiet, meditative scholar will find 
Portinia not only full of interest but likewise full 
of wisdom and instruction; and that he will ac- 
cord it a place in his library by the side of Shakes- 
peare, Milton, Byron, Pope and other distinguished 
authors ; and I trust he may be able to refer often, 
in the future, to the works of Hooper, consisting of 
many volumes, for I am sure you should continue 
to use your pen. 

In Portinia you act the title role of a lover, and 
I must say that you act the part exceedingly well. 
You are a natural born lover — this I have known 
many years. No woman ever had a more elo- 
quent, devoted and romantic lover than the beau- 
tiful, blue-eyed, golden-haired Portinia. 

In melodizing you use the softest possible poetic 
touch; the tenderest possible sense of expression; 
the most chaste and refined use of language ; and, in 
all these points you excel, in my opinion, the lead- 
ing authors of poesy. 

In reading your book one is impressed with the 
idea that the author is a great scholar; a man of 
extensive reading; that he has lived midst all the 
gardens of Grecian and Eoman mythology; and 
owing to the language used, that he was the 
school-mate and life companion of a Noah Webster. 

One of the most striking features of your book is 
the fact that the language throughout is chaste and 



62 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

refined. In no instance do you lower the tone, nor 
in any line can there be fonnd a vulgar or de- 
grading word. I hasten to congratulate you upon 
this and other characteristic features of your work. 

The most marvelous feature connected with your 
poetry is the fact that Portinia, consisting of 142 
pages, and containing over 37,000 words, is your 
very first production as a poet and author; yet 
Portinia is within itself a great masterpiece of 
poetic literature. It is a known fact that poets be- 
gin by writing small sonnets, and after years of 
struggle, a few of them have produced some great 
masterpiece, as Milton's Paradise Lost, Homer's 
Iliad, or Pope's Essay on Man; but you are able to 
bring forth a masterpiece as your first poem; this 
is indeed marvelous, and proves you to be a great 
poet and author. 

Another marvelous feature of your poetry is the 
ability you possess to weave into your work so many 
uncommon words, each having its correct place and 
meaning. Granting that you are master of thou- 
sands of uncommon words, yet it is nevertheless 
marvelous how you can command them so skillfully, 
and weave them so gracefully in the warp and woof 
of your poetic fabric. 

If Portinia were ''staged," and I predict that 
ere long it will be; and Caruso, the greatest tenor 
in the world, would take the title role of Don Zeno: 



6B 



EPIGBAMS AND SEBMONETTES 

and Geraldine Farrar, the greatest soprano in the 
world, that of Portinia; the play being divided into 
say five acts, I am sure great things could be ex- 
pected from your story; in fact, I believe it would 
rival most any grand opera production of the Metro- 
politan Opera Company. 

Your short poems are indeed quite meritorious, 
among the most noteworthy being Christmas Eve, a 
story of a hermit and his dog, which is very pathetic, 
and if properly staged would no doubt rival Wash- 
ington Irving 's Eip Van Winkle; The Dying Year, 
very sweet, entertaining and instructive; Twilight, 
which is full of artistic expression ; The Temple of 
Nature, Sky Lark, Mocking Bird and others, only to 
be appreciated when read slowly, carefully and medi- 
tatively. 

In order to read your poems, especially Portinia, 
with understanding and appreciation, an open dic- 
tionary should lie near for ready reference ; and the 
reader must read according to the punctuation, prac- 
tically ignoring the rhyme ; but when thus read and 
with concentrated mind, there is much beauty to be 
found in the reading. 

I am sure that if Portinia, owing to its depth, and 
being more or less obscure on account of so many 
uncommon words; is not accepted at once, it will 
be later on, for there is great merit in the poem, 
and indeed it is one of the classics. Milton's Par- 



64 



EPIGBAMS AND SEEMONETTES 

adise Lost is deep and especially obscure to him 
who will not exert sufficient effort to understand; 
however, Milton is universally acknowledged to be a 
very great poet, if not the greatest. Pope is more 
or less obscure to him who does not likewise study 
and concentrate the mind on what he is saying; yet 
Pope is indeed a great poet and philosopher. 

I am therefore sure that Portinia will finally be 
accepted by scholars as a great masterpiece; and 
that the name of James Calvin Hooper will be 
handed down to succeeding generations; and that 
you will be counted one among the greatest poets of 
ancient or modern times. 

"Were I you, and had I your ability as a writer 
and author, I would devote the remainder of my life 
to literature, and attempt to write many books. 

I bid you God speed in such glorious work. 
Your friend always, 

JACOB T. JOHNSON. 



65 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 



IN THE BEGINNINa 

In the begmning, through His word we are told, 
God became an author, and did this world then un- 
fold; 
From nothing whatsoever, ere the first blush of 

morn, 
God created the heavens, soon all things else were 

born ; 
Though incomprehensible, these things may seem 

to be. 
They're now facts, without fancy, as all fully agree. 
In the Garden of Eden was the first birth of sin, 
Where man, woman and devil, did these three begin ; 
The trail of the serpent, as all may now see. 
Marked the first real beginning, and the second 

degree ; 
The seed of destruction thus planted within, 
Cain being the first, was the first child of sin. 
Imperial wisdom hath from ages all, 
Proclaimed man's destruction, as man's own fall; 
Created free agent, with much reason to guide, 
Why should there be destruction, why vanquish his 

own pride. 
Had Adam and Eve, both perfect and true. 
Been free from temptation no murder would ensue ; 



66 



EPIGKAMS AND SERMONETTES 

But God in His wisdom, which we fail to under- 
stand, 

Made likewise a Devil, who plays a shrewd hand; 

When he is chained in hell, as we are taught he 
will be, 

Mankind will then be loose, independent and free. 



67 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

TEMPTATION 

The naked Mils lie sportive to the breeze, 
The plains below are nude as billowy seas ; 
The frisky winds in madness play aronnd, 
They first assault, then rape the holy ground. 

Winter forests torn by fierce and stormy breeze. 
The limbs of which are exposed to frost and freeze ; 
The moral is be careful how you clothe, 
The naked form and when and where you rove. 

Temptation's great, as those who will may know, 
Be careful then, be careful how you sow; 
For scandal and remorse, two things will follow all. 
Who sow the seed of discord, resulting in their fall. 

He who will may by his own accord, 
Ascend to heights of fame or dying curse his Lord ; 
Whatever may come, whatever may go away, 
Man if not progressive will die and soon decay. 

The drunkard's grave though only six feet deep, 
Entombs a husband whose family in madness weep ; 
The sparkling poison and opiate did contain, 
A loving father the fiery drop hath slain. 



68 



EPIGRAMS AND S E R M O N E T T E S 



THE RUGGED PATHWAY 



When selfish man this earth shall cease to trod, 
And nations steeped in blood shall know there is a 

God; 
Imperial wisdom then shall take her place, 
And rule mankind as all of one immortal race. 



When egotism, man's boon companion true and 

strong, 
And the I of man shall cease among the throng; 
All men shall then to freedom beck and call, 
And righteousness her place shall take among them 

all. 



When vanity no more man's destiny shall here com- 
mand, 

And pride shall be entombed a thousand feet be- 
neath the sand; 

The golden rule may then have chance of public 
sway. 

And point with clearness all mankind the way. 



69 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

WHY DECEMBER WAS LIKE MAY 

(May be sung like Silver Threads Among the Gold) 

I remember, yes, my darling, 

Five and forty years ago, 
You and I were fond of playing. 

In the fields so white with snow. 
Oh, how precious were the moments. 

When you and I were young and gay. 
Do you still remember, darling. 

Why December was like May! 

Refrain 

Why December was like May — like May, 

Why December was like May, 
Do you still remember, darling. 

Why December was like May? 

Love was budding, oh, so tender, 

Growing stronger day by day — 
Soon the bud became a flower, 

Then December was like May. 
Hear the wedding bells a-ringing, 

To the church from far and near. 
Friends and kinsmen, they are going. 

To greet the bride so young and dear. 



70 



EPIGEAMS AND SEKMONETTES 

Refrain 
Then December was like May— like May, 

Then December was like May, 
Soon the bud became a flower, 

Then December was like May. 

When the wedding was all over, 

We together planned the way. 
The many years we'd have to journey. 

That December might be May. 
Darling, we are growing old. 

Cheeks are pale and hair so gray. 
Many years weVe spent together. 

Still December's just like May. 

Refrain 
Still December's just like May— like May, 

Still December's just like May, 
Many years we 've spent together. 

Still December's just like May. 



71 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

AFEICAN DIALECT 

Pears lack da aint niiver gnine tuh finish builden 
uv dis here church. Da been foolen-long wid it now 
guine on a year, and it haint half dun yit. Some 
folks des ain no count no way. 

Well sir, ef sum dem white galls des done take 
da cake sho! I seed wun guine up da street dis 
mornin, an she wuz a whoop-po-will ! Pon my wurd, 
dat galls dress didn cum no whar near da grown— 
struck her des bout da nees — wid no stockens hardly, 
an all da menfolks a looken. She wuz sum hunny- 
gall, bleve me. 

Whar you wurks nigger? Whar I wurks? I 
wurks fur Mister John Curtis whut lives on Pied- 
mont Avenue. Whar you wurks ? I wurks wid 
Misses Smiff out on da Powell Mill road, des fo 
you gits tuh da bridge. You knows whar dat little 
tiny white church? Well, des tuther side uv dat. 

Whut matter wid you Jozie ! Wid me 1 Yes you. 
Well, you no dat flat-nose nigger whut you seed wid 
me tuther night! Well, dat scoundell, he low dat I 
brings all his meals tuh him fum whar I wurks, an 
besides, give him all my muney Satday night, too, 
black scoundell— dat whut matter wid me ! 



72 



EPIGBAMS AND SERMONETTES 

Cuin-ere Eastus, you hear me? Potch me dat 
water melon, you black scoundell. Whar you git 
it! Green? I beat you tub death nigger ef I uver 
kotch you wid anuther green water melon — you ain 
got no sense no how. Huh, green water melon. 

Miss Smiff, I wants to ax you a queston. Well 
ax-away. Iz you married? Iz I married? I 
r-e-c-o-n not. How cum you aint? Well, its des 
lack dis: I wuz married wunce, but my husband 
sot aroun and sot aroun. I had tub do all da wurk, 
so wun day I des give him a kick out uv da back 
door an tole him to git, and he nuver iz showed up 
no mo — dats da reason I ain married! 

Lord nose chile, whar you bin all dis time ? Down 
tub Griffin? Bless my soul, dont you no better dan 
tub stay in dat town? I dun leff dar long-go. 

Da tells me dat all da cuUud people iz guine back 
tub Africa whar da cum fum, but bless my soul ef T 
wants tub go, caze da say dat country iz des full 
uv dem yallagaters. Huh, not me ! I ain ready tub 
be et-up yit. 

Whut number shoes you wars auntie? Whut 
number shoes I wars? I wars tens, I ken wars 
levens, dese iz twelves, but da sho do hurts my feets. 



73 



EPIGEAMS AND SEEMONETTES 

Bin tub church Annie? Yassum but ain guine 
no mo. How cum? Caze I dont lacks tub bear dat 
black-monkey. Hes nutbin but a blaten mule, dats 
all— flat-nose devil ! He ain no better an I iz no bow. 

Rastus, wbar wuz you guine wid dat yaller gall 
las nigbt? Wbar wuz I guine? I ain seed no yaller 
gall. Yes you iz, you nasty black scoundell, you 
knows you iz. I kotcb you cobortin roun wid dat 
tbing, da wont be nuff lef uv you tub say blessen 
over — ^you bear? 

How ole iz you Uncle Tom ? How ole iz I ? Lord 
bless yo soul, I dun been bere all duren uv da war, 
an 1-o-n-g f o dat. I member wben Mars Cbarles fust 
went out tub da war, riden uv a big wbite boss. I 
speck ize guine on seventy-five er thirty years ole by 
dis time. 

I lacks dem wbite folks when da treats me right, 
but wben da treats me wrong, I sho doo spizes em. 

Ef ole Joe Dikes cum noratin roun bere agin, I 
guine tub bus him wide open, nasty stinkin thing, 
let me kotcb him wid dat tutber gall — I sho will 
make sum sausage meat. 



74 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

Julia, when iz you an dat black nigger, Jim 
Smiff, guine tuh hitch-up? Never? Shet-up Julia, 
you nose dat not so. You all been luven long, long 
time, an it pears tuh me dat you ought tub be 
doin sumpen by dis time. Huh, we dun broke off 
long-go. 

Good mornin, Manda Jane. How iz you feelen dis 
mornin! Well, I aint feelen very excrushiatin, I 
has a misry in da side, think maby I has hicuspookus 
or da wampus wun. Iz you hadum? No, chile, iz 
had about evy thing but dem do. 

Mariah, iz you uver met up wid da new Bishop 
whut iz cumen tuh preach fur us nex Sunday? 
Nome, he nuver hav been induced to me enformly, 
az I nose uv, but I has hearn him preach wunce las 
year, I think it wuz. 

Day tells me dat all da white folks will be rousted 
offen da property whut da now has, an we cullud 
people guine tuh take full pursession. You hear 
dat too? No, I ain nuver hearn nuthin like dat, an 
further than mo I dont bleves sich talk. 



75 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

Uv all da folks I uver did see, dem Jackson galls 
takes da pudden. Miss Sallie loud tuh me dis 
mornin dat slie wuz da puddies gall in da whole town. 
I hope tnh die stone-dead ef she ain da mos uglies 
white woman I uver did see. 

Lizer, dis here chicken sho do tase good. I recon 
it do. You had a hard nuf time gittin it. Whar 
you find it? I kotch it in da hen roos uv Mr. Jack 
Anderson on Capitol Avenue, hut I lack not tuh 
land it. Da shot at me twice, an I sho did run. 

Bro Jackson, ken you tells me whar tuh find a 
reel good rat dog fur tuh kotch rats I Nome, not az 
I nose uv. Well, listen here, ken you tells me how 
fur tis tuh Mrs. Newtons whut live out on da 
Brookwood road, I dun cum a mile already? Yes, 
but you aint nuver started yit nigger, caze dat place 
is fo miles fum here. 

In all my rustications in dis community, I ain 
nuver iz seed no place whar I lacks tuh live yit. I 
mos gineraly lacks wun whar I ken looks down on 
my neighbors. Ef you sees a house wid two rooms 
for tuh rent, an you thinks it would soot my plex- 
ion, and my deviroments, please let me no, caze 
my rents due, and I got to move fo da puts me out. 



76 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

Cum here Nora! Cum to me I tells you! I 
kotch you playin wid dat gall any mo I guine to 
strip da hide offen you ! People passin here think 
yous Irish. 

Dont you say nuthen, caze I aint guine tuh git 
mixed up wid nuthen, but ef old lady Andrews didn 
des beat da wool offen dat no-count husband of hern 
las night, may da good Lord strike me dead. Beat 
him? I r-e-c-o-n she did beat him, I bet he cant 
walk fur a whole munt. 

Ef da good Lord lets me live, I sho nuver will be 
caught a wurken fur Mr. Pendergrass any mo after 
dis week when I gits my pay. Why child, whuts de 
matter? Huh! I say matter! Ever things da mat- 
ter ! Nuthin go right wid dat scoundel. He all da 
time gits drunk, beat his wife, and des cusses round 
genally. I dont wurks fur no sich trash as dat. 

My fus husband wuz good tuh me, but he stole a 
mule, and da put him in da Pen. My nex wuz mose 
lack da Devil. Oh! he wuz a wild-cat right, but 
thank da good Lord, da dun put him in da Pen too ! 
Hows da wun whut you tuck up wid las? Huh! 
Dont say nuthin fur I dun fix him right. Why, whut 
you dun to him Liza? Dun tuh him? Dont talk 
nigger. 



77 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

Morn dat I ain guine tub. hav nuthen tuh doo 
wid dat scoundrel, fur lies nuthin but a lazy no- 
count, good fur nuthen nigger— black babboon! Ef 
he uver cum prowlen roun dis place any mo I guine 
beat him tuh death. Ill make him no who hes talkin 
his blab tuh. 

Da des ain no use talken, you cant beat no sence 
in niggers heads. I heap ruther try tuh teach wun 
uv dese here billy goats how tuh plow dan tuh try tuh 
teach a black-babboon any thing. 

Da say dat ar nigger whut shofers fur Capt. 
English on Peachtree Street got his self in a tur- 
rible mess wid da cook. He hit-er over da head 
wid a skillet, an she sprung at him with a case 
knife. La chile da say she sho did make sausage 
meat outn dat nigger. 

Dis sho iz wun funny world. How cum Louise, 
whut make you say dat! Well er-a you nose dat 
yaller gall whut live wid ole Miss Judson down at 
number 316 dont you! Yes, I nose her, why so! 
Wei] da says dat she look lack me, but you no 
hunny, I cant tuh save me sees any assemblence 
whutsonever. 



78 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

Rastus: Cum-ere nigger. Sambo: How cum I 
mus cum tuh you ? Rastus : Aint I dun tole you to 
cum tuh mef Sambo (coming close): Whut? 
Rastus: I wants tuh ax you a queston. Ef you 
wuz near a grave-yard sum night, and you sees 
sumpin white m-o-v-e-n round up dar, whut would 
you doo? Samho (scratching his head) : Whut 
would I doo? Rastus: Yes whut would you dool 
Sambo : I dont no a-zactly all da things I would 
doo, but I nose one thing I would doo. Rastus : Whut 
iz datf Samho: D at grave-yard, nigger, would be 
in anuther county fum me in less dan fifteen min- 
utes, caze I sho would be flyin no quicker dan I sees 
da gost. Whut would you doo under dem 
curcumstances? Rastus: I would be in da nex 
county beyand you in less dan ten minutes an no 
bullet could cotch me. Samho : How you lack dat? 
Rastus : I sees whar you an me iz bof e right, nig- 
ger. 



79 



EPIGRAMS AND SEKMONETTES 

UNCLE WASH 

Uncle Wash Smith was hauling a load of dry 
lumber to town for Col. Harvy Houston. While 
driving along another negro, Buster Hughes, came 
along and wanted to ride. ^^ Hello Uncle Wash, I 
wants tur ride to town." ^^Well hop in.'' After 
going some distance, Hughes thought he would 




twist the mules' tails to make them go faster, so 
he did. No sooner than he twisted the tails, the 
mules kicked the pipe out of his mouth and set the 
lumber on fire. 



80 



EPIGRAMS AND S E R M O N E T T E S 

After working with Hughes and one of the mules 
awhile, Uncle Wash goes into a drng store at the 
edge of town, and says: ^'Mister, I wants to nze 
da fome, please sur. Hello, I wants to speak wid 
Col Harvy Houston, please mam. Iz dis you Col? 
Please mam give da phome to Col Houston. Iz 
dat you Col Houston? Well, dis iz ole Wash. Yo 
ole Wash. Da nigger whut hauls fur you. Yes sur 
Col, ole Wash. Col Houston, whut I wants to 
speak wid you bout iz dis : Az I wuz cumin to town 
wid dat load uv lumber, a nigger axed me to let him 
ride, an I dun so. Well, you know dat fool nigger 
twist da mules tails widout sayin nothin to me, an 
da fotch-up all at wunce, and kick him plum off en da 
wagon, an lack to kill im too. Yes sur, I dun laid 
him out in da grass, but his head iz all bloody and 
skint up. Yes sur, da doctor workin wid him now, 
and say dat da iz sum hopes fur him yit. No sur, I 
nuver dun nuthin, da mules kick too quick fur dat. 
Col whut I call you fur, mosely, wuz to no whut to 
do bout da mule, Jim, he near bout dead too, da hair 
dun all burnt offen da tail an mose uv da body. Ole 
Betts. She all right, nuthen matter wid her. No 
sur, da wagon an lumber dun burn up long-go. Yes 
sur, dat all.'' 

Aunt Mariah iz you da wife uv Uncle Rastus 
Jones, whut live on Huif street? Yassum, ize da 



81 



EPIGEAMS AND S E E M O N B T T E S 

wun, yassum he da wun Im married tub, and lies a 
goodun too. I dun been liven wid Mm soon be guine 
on fifty an odd yers now. We wuz married reckly 
arter da Civul War. We has six cbildun, da oldes 
wun iz plum grown. Yassum, ize da wun. Pears 
tur me lack I nose you? My name Lois Little, 
wbut live nex bouse to da bridge des beyand you. 
Glad tur meet wid you Miss Little, I thought yo 
face look a familar semblance. Well er-a, I mus be 
guine. Good bye. I'll be seein you sum mo. 



82 



EPIGKAMS AND SERMONETTES 

PAESON JACKSON 

{In A Vigorous Sermon.) 

Explains how the African race became black and 
the servants of others. 

Brnthnrn and Sisturn : I wants to speak wid yon 
dis mornin, bout how you and me wuz made black. 
You will find my tex in da 9th chapter of Genesis, 
and the 25th verse, which reads as follows: 
^^ Cursed be Canaan, a servant of servants shall he 
be unto his brethren.^' 




Accordin to dis blessed book, my friends, da wuz 
wunce a great flood upon dis earth, wharin all da 
people wuz drown, cepten Noah and his family, con- 



83 



EPIGBAMS AND S E B M O N E T T E S 

sisten uv Noah, Ms wife, his three sons, Shem, Ham 
and Japeth, an da wives. 

Soon after da Ark rested on da mountain, an da 
waters all dried up, so dat da dry land appeared, 
Noah an his family begin to raise grapes an uther 
vegebles. Noah got mighty drunk pon dis grape- 
juice an lay down on da floor, or on da grown. 
Ham, da younges son saw him layin dar, and fear en 
he might cotch cold, tole da uther two to kiver up 
da ole man, an da did. Now, when Noah wake up, 
somehow he got mighty mad dat he wuz kivered up, 
an enquirin aroun, he found out dat Ham wuz spon- 
sible, den he commence to cuss Ham as explaind 
in da tex which I read to you. He tole Ham dat 
he should be da servant uv Shem an Japeth. 

Now dat iz dest azactly why you an me iz black 
here dis mornin, as Ham wuz our ancester, but you 
will see frum da readin matter, dat we wuz turned 
black widout any scuce at all. Ham, when he axed 
his bruthurs to kiver up da ole man he wuz doin uv 
a good deed, an-a doin uv no rong. 

Ef you wuz to see any body drunk, layin on da 
grown, I nose you would do dest whut Ham dun, fur 
it would be doin a christin act, an a showin da 
christin spirit, wouldnt it— course it would. Now 
you ken see fum da history of da case, dat we wuz 
turn black widout any cause whutsonever an dat we 



84 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

has been made da servants of da ehilden uv Shem 
an Japeth ever sense, who is da white people you 
see all round you, and dem you wurks fur. 

You will notice anuther important thing in da 
chapter containin uv my tex, an dat iz, dat before 
Noah got drunk, an cussed Ham, dat Ham wuz dest 
as white as Noah or da uther two sons, in uther 
words, dat we wuz wunce dest as white, bless da 
good Lord, as any uv da white folks — yes we wuz ! 

You will notice still another thing fum dis same 
chapter, thank da Lord an dat iz, dat dese three 
boys uv Noah, wuz full bruthurs. Now whut you git 
outen dat? You gits dis, bless God, you gits dis, 
dat weuns an da whites wuz bruthurn an sisturn. 
Now, ef we wuz bruthurn an sisturn den, we iz still 
bruthurn an sisturn aint we? (A good old black 
sister jumped up and shouted: '^ Thank God, bro 
Jackson, thank God, you dun tole da whole trufe, 
Amen.") 

Now bruthurn an sisturn whut has you got to be 
ashamed uv. Nuthen at all, thank God, nuthen at 
all, but when you knows dat you wuz put in dis 
condition widout any cause, an dat you iz still kin- 
folks to da whites, dest da same as ef you never had 
been turned black, an further-than-mo, dat you iz 
dest as good as da iz, den let us rejoice evermo. 



85 



EPIGEAMS AND SERMONETTES 

(Several men and women here jumped up and 
shouted: ^^ Thank God brother Jackson, thank 
God you dun tole da whole truf, thank God 
Amen! We always knowed we wuz dest as white, 
cepten da skin, an dest as good as any body, bless 
God, Amen.'') 

NOTE: It is both unscriptural and illogical to say that ^'God 
cursed Ham and he became the head of the African race. ' ' It was 
Noah who cursed Ham, but there is no authority for saying that 
Ham became black. Noah could not have turned him black, but 
suppose he did, he would have to turn Mrs. Ham black, too, but he 
never cursed Mrs. Ham. God made all the races of men. 

Annie, did you hear bruther Jackson preach out 
at Shilow Church yistidy? Nome, but I dun hearn 
bout it already. Wuz you dar? Yes, an I tells you 
he sho did tell it out. You know whut he said? I 
dono all da things whut he said but I hearn sum uv 
dem. Whut did he sayf Well ur-a, he said dat da 
reason we iz black wuz caze ole Noah got drunk an 
cussed Ham an turn him black — dats why! Well, 
whut we got to do foolin wid Ham — who is he any 
how? Well, Annie, Ham wuz ur-a wun uv da ances- 
ters, hunny. I dono nuthen bout no sich things as 
ancesters, but I knows wun thing, dat ize black, dest 
caze ize black, dats all, Ham ur no Ham. 



86 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

Da tells me dat Bro Jackson sho did stir dem nig- 
gers up, at SMlow last Sunday. Da now sez dat da 
aint niggers nomo, but da guine call dimselves dark- 
skin-white-folks, an dat da used to be white-folks 
sho-nuff, an dat sum drunk man turn um black. I 
knows wun tbing, an dat iz, dat my heart iz dest as 
white as any white folks heart — dats da trufe, sho 
as God made little apples — ^bless God, it sho iz. 

Uncle Andy, iz you dun beam bout how Bro 
Jackson stur-up all da niggers when he preach 
out at Shilow sum two weeks ago 1 Yassum, I hearn 
bout it, but you no wun thing f Whut? I dont 
bleves nuthin lack whut he said bout dat Ham busi- 
ness. Dont you no nigger, aint you got sense nutf 
to no, dat a fool drunk man cant have da power to 
turn a man black! An ef he did have da power, he 
would have tub turn Misses Ham black too, caze ef 
he didnt da would be no black childuns, an da Bible 
dont say he turn Misses Ham black. I dont bleves 
whut da preacher said bout it, no I dont. I bleves 
I ize black dest caze ize black, dats all, an dat da good 
Lord made us dat way. 



87 



EPIGRAMS AND S E B M N iS T T E S 

LIFERS JOURNEY 

All along Life's public highway, 

From the cradle to the grave, 
Many millions now are going — 

Some to sink and some to save. 
When Life's journey shall have ended, 

And the mortal turns to clay, 
The soul eternal hath ascended. 

There to meet on judgment day. 



When the judgment shall be rendered. 

And each soul its place assigned. 
Where, my brother, shall thine be, 

Where shall mine be then confined. 
With Jehovah and the Angels, 

Christ our Savior, all of them. 
May our spirits ever mingle 

In the New Jerusalem. 



88 



EPIGRAMS AND SEEMONETTES 

ESTATE OF MAN 

Eespecting the estate of man some things may well 

be told, 
He worships at the throne today, tomorrow thirsts 

for gold; 
Truth and justice here proclaim— there cheats his 

fellow man. 
Seeks to live an honest life, yet serves old Satan 

best he can. 

An honest and a truthful man to all who hear him 

talk, 
He'd have you clearly understand he's that in daily 

walk; 
Follow him by land and sea, observe closely where 

he goes. 
With these to-day and honest set, to-night a faded 

rose. 

The cur when caught in mischief will cower and 

will fear, 
Man detected of a crime, defies, pricks up his ear; 
As if defiance bold and strong, could serve to make 

aright. 
The honesty of purpose today and sin again tonight. 



89 



EPIGRAMS AND SEEMONETTES 

Tis well that all who come and go be not of this lone 

sphere, 
For only the exception, not the rule, is contemplated 

here ; 
Unholy and unrighteous love, a deadly poison true, 
Enemy alike of all mankind, from sin alone it grew. 



90 



EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES 

PASSING TIDE. 

Christmas-tide hath come ere long, 
Children's hearts have leaped with song; 
Joyous greetings have been exchanged, 
Between, among, the millions prearranged. 

Santa, with reindeer swift and strong. 
Hath made his rounds among the throng; 
To gladden hearts, to help the poor. 
And cheer the children again once more. 

The year so glorious is dying now. 
It's done its work, let's shroud its brow; 
Prepare the corpse with gentle hands. 
Bury it with love — these are demands. 

There's the dawn of another year. 
Let's greet it friends, and bid good cheer; 
Name the babe in swaddling clothes. 
Let's name it now before it grows. 

It's crawling, leaping — watch it bound, 
Stand back, stranger, hear the sound; 
Winter, spring-time, birds and flowers, 
Leaves of gold and frost-bit bowers. 



91 



EPIGRAMS AND S E R M O N E T T E S 

THE POOL HATH SAID 

The fool hath said, and others like him, 

may continue thus to say, 
There is no life, no hope, no light, 

there is no eternal day; 
When death forsooth, the dragon monster, 

plucks life from out its house of clay. 
Beyond the tomb there's naught but sleep, 

no birds, no flowers, springtime or May. 

Why dost thou reason thus, my brother, 

see yon towering mountain bold. 
From whence hath come that ugly monster, 

with topmost peak in regions cold ; 
From out some tempest wild and furious, 

tempest back in days of old. 
Hath come this mighty, rugged monster, 

whose weight exceedeth all earth's gold? 

Hast thou not heard the pealing thunders, 

bursting from the clouds aglow, 
Hast thou not seen the flashing lightnings, 

fleeting storms and falling snow; 
See those twinkling stars up yonder, 

how the light runs to and fro. 
Dost thou not know the earth is turning, 

hath thou not watched the flowers grow? 



92 



EPIGRAMS AND SEEMONETTES 

Hast thou not seen the Sun at morning, 

rising as the kind of day, 
Dispensing light, and heat, and glory, 

sweeping westward on his way; 
From whence, think ye, from whence this glory, 

by whom, and when, oh brother, say. 
From whence doth come this heat dispenser, 

always sending forth his ray? 

Watcheth thou not the moon at evening, 

changing empress of the night. 
Hath thy footsteps not been guided, 

by her rays of silver light; 
Dost thou think her changing faces, 

from quarter one to fullness bright. 
Only mishaps in her glory, 

fickle changes with no power of might? 

Stop, my brother, be still a moment, 

where were these when thou wert born ; 
Whence the maker, when cometh the author, 

search out the cause of early morn. 
There is but one eternal teacher, 

whose hand the universe did form; 
He who made thee, made moon and mountain, 

sun and cloud, and snow and storm. 



93 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

Wit, Humor, Sarcasm, Philosophy 



97 



COPYRIGHT 1917 

By 

JACOB THOMPSON JOHNSON 



98 




99 



THE AUTHOR HAS PLEASURE IN NOW 
INTRODUCING TO THE PUBLIC MR. 
HAMMIE SMOOGLES FROM PERSIA AND 
MESOPOTAMIA, THE FATHER OF THE 
SMOOGLES FAMILIES, WHO WILL NOW 
ENTERTAIN YOU WITH WIT, HUMOR AND 
PHILOSOPHY IN HIS OWN WAY, AND IN 
HIS OWN PECULIAR DIALECT. 




YOU VILL PLEASE OXCUSE MY PARDONS, 
AND DER LANGUAGES VICH I SPEAK MIT 
YOU, LADIES AND GEENTLEMENS, AND I 
ISS GLAD TO HAFE YOU MEET MIT ME, 
VUNCE. 



100 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

I vos alvays der yoongest off twelf childens, six 
mit my mndders side, four mit my farders side, and 
two mit both sides, and vile I vos born late mit life, 
I vos alvays mooch proud off my nativities, yes. 

Ven I sees a man building a crooked vence out off 
straight rails, I sayes Hammie, dot man iss vun fools. 
Nefer build any ting crooked, ven you hafe straight 
tings mit vich to build, no. 



It has €oome to 
my mind freequent- 
ty often about der 
black man mit der 
Kingdom, if he 
vould be black and 
hafe beautiful black 
vings, ass der vite 
angels vould hafe 
der vite vings, and 
also if der color- 
lines vould mooch 
tight be drawn, yes. 




Ber saddest ting mit tongue or pen iss der leetle 
words : I cood hafe been, yes. 



101 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

A goot reputations, vich it take a long time strong 
to estableesh, and vich iss moore valuable den mooch 
gold, may be ruined mit a day by slanderous tongues 
and foul-mouth peeples, yes. 

Ven Eve gife dot opples to Adam, der old scound- 
rell nefer efen left Eve der core vunce, but maybe 
der vos no core, der Biples doont sayes, no. 



Hammie sayes : 
Uncle Sam, doont 
you tink der heap- 
best place vare to 
bury der Kaiser 
vould be close-near 
to der toomb-monu- 
ment off der Wash- 
ingtons, so der Gov- 
ernment oood keep 
close-votch mit him? 
I vill help you too doo 
der bury-act, yes. 
Uncle Sam: I think 
your suggestion good, 
and while countless 
millions throughout the civilized world, are eager 
to do the same service, I shall with pleasure allow 
you to do your bit. 




102 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

Der down-shot off der whole trooth mit der cocoa- 
nut iss, dot ven a mans iss a blame fools, he iss a 
blame fools, but ven he iss no fools at all, he iss 
eentirely too mooch smart, derfore mans reely has 
no goot sense, yes. 



Vunce soome years ago, I rode mit der Slow 
Train Through Arkansas, and it yoost run so slow 
dot der cooplin-pin drop out, and before ve know 
der deeference, der pool-eengine vos avay down der 




track. I sayes : Meester condooctor, how far iss it 
mit der Leetle Eocks? He sayes: Sixty-nine 
miles. I sayes: Ven vill ve got mit der ceety? 
He sayes: Day after to-morrow. I sayes: By 
George I vill valk, vunce. 



103 



HAMMIE SMOOGL.es 

Ven a leetle boy I played mit udder childens, and 
ve vould soometimes cotch der calfs mit der tails, 




yoost to see dem switch and roon, but vunce I cotched 
vun mit der tails, and lie rooned mit me down der 
lane a long deestance, vile I cood not let loose off 
der tail-holts, no. 



104 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

How greatly mooch-pleasing it iss to remeember 
der funny leetle tings vich happened ven ve vos chil- 
dens vnnce, and how for eenstance ve votched der 
hens and der gooses lay der eggs, and how ven she 
lay, ve run fast-quick and make her get off der nest, 
dot ve may run hoome mit der eggs, yes. 

I often vunder if der leetle lightening-bugs hass a 
dry or vet stoorage batterys, mit vich to stoore avay 
der lightenings vich he make, and also how he strike- 
der-match vich start der lightening-fires, yes. 

How mooch unsatisfactory and unbeauteeful it iss 
to meet and meengle mit peeples vich iss to-day your 
friends, and to-moorrow your eenemys, whose vord 
you tink you know to-day, but on to-moorrow you 
find dot you mooch meesunderstand, yes. 



Natures iss a mooch vunderful tings, ven you tink 
mit vot it iss. For eenstance, 
der snakes, vich hafe no legs, 
nor tiny feets, can run yoost 
ass fast ass der catties vioh 
hafe mooch legs and feets, 
yes, but vile der catties can 
valk ass veil ass run, der 
poor leetle snakeys, dey can- 
not valk a tall, no. 




105 




Hammie sayes : Uncle, let us bury der Kaiser vide- 
and-deep, mit der dirt-ground, ass lie may vant to 
coome-out and fitt soome-moore soon again, vunce. 
Uncle Sam: Never mind, my boy, the nations will 
bury him so deep that he will never come out again. 
Hammie : Dot iss der oonly vay. I yoost cannot nefer 
misunderstood vye he hafe no horns and forked-tails, 
no. 

106 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

I haf e alvays big ambeetions to fly mit der elements 
like der birds, and ven I die, according to der doc- 
trins off Socrates, I may go into der form off soome 
birds, bees, and ndder tings. I hope a great deal, dot 
I vill not be der boozards nor der hoot-owls, but der 
mocking-birds or der hooney-bees, yes. 

Ber only reel deeference between a goot mans and 
a bad mans iss der Devel. If der Devels voss no 
moore, den all der mans vould be goot, yes. If der 
vos no Devels, der vonld be no teemptations to alvays 
keep der married mans in hot vater, no. I vill be 
mooch glad ven der old Devels iss dead and buried 
mit der fires, yes. 

I tink dot it iss a great calameety vich iss mit der 
childens and der peeples, dot der goot Lord, did not 
make us mit der same leetle lightening-batterys mit 
vich He made der lightening-bugs for if He had, ve 
cood yoost travel any vares mit der darkest-nights 
like der bugs, mitout hafing to carry der lamps, yes. 

Soome vimmens hafe der dead-vood on soome off 
der udder vuns, for dey can yoost throw vun solem 
fit after annudder, mitout any preeperations at all, 
vile der udder vuns moost vork-up der fits vich dey 
throw, yes. 



107 



HAMMIE SMOOGLE 




MAEY AND DER LAMB 
(Der only poems vich I cood wrote) 



108 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 



Mary vos a sheepish girl, 
She had a leetle lamb vunce, 
And efery vare dot Mary vent, 
Dot lamb, he sure voot go, yes. 

Mary vent mit school vnn day, 
Der lamb, he vent along too, 
Yen der childens saw der lamb, 
Dey vent vild mit hiss fleece, yes. 

Ven der lamb vos vashed mooch clean. 
His fleece vos vite like der frost, 
But ven he vos not vashed clean, 
Der childens played not mit him, no. 

Der teecher made Mary took der lamb hoome. 

But soome off der childens cried. 

So der teecher let Mary keep der lamb, 

Mit school annudder day. Dot iss all 

Mit der lamb now, so go-along, vunce. 



109 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

Meeses Smoogles and me had twelf cMldens, but 
vun day seex off dem vos killed mit der falling off 
der cheemney by oxcedent, and it vos yoost two 




years later dot leetle Hanunie sooicided mit two 
fence rails sqneesing bim mit death, so now ve hafe 
fife, yes. 

If you sayes dot you vill not reed my book unless 
I tell you mit vot coontry I vos born, I vill tell you 
now, dot I vill not do dot. I iss no fools, I vill not 
slander der coontry dot gife my nativities, no. 

Moost alvays idle, iss der brains off soome peeples, 
and der heads off der same peeples should be adver- 
tised For Eent mit der press-papers off der ceety, 
dot dey may be off soome use mit der pooblioks, yes. 



110 



HAMMIE SMOOGLBS 



r^"^- 



I hafe alvays had moocla 
sympatliy mit der hopp-toads, 
and der frogs. Der poor 
tings, dey hafe no clothes at 
all, bnt go naked all der time, 
and vile dey hafe feet and legs 
like der udder catties, yet dey can neether crawl nor 
valk, but yoost hafe to joomp head-fooremost all der 
time, yes. 




I hafe mooch beelief s mit der doctrins vich sayes : 
Vnnce a mans and twice a childs, for ven I vos a 
childs great attentions vos paid me, but not mooch 
seense, so I shall hail mit deelights, der time ven I 
shall again get der pettings and der sweet keesings, 
yes. 

It iss alvays moore better to liff mit, or deal mit 
der stranger den mit der reelatif-kin vich ve hafe, ass 
der stranger oxpects to pay for vot he get, but der 
kin-reelatif, no. 

I alvays mooch vish dot I vos a bird, or soome 
anemals and tings, because der birds and der anemals 
vara der same suit all der year round, and need no 
shoes nor hats and tings, to be alvays buying mit 
der stores, no. 



Ill 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 



Two tings cause me moore anxieeties and amuse- 
ments den all udder mit deese life. Vun iss der vay 
der beely goat hass off valking der pooblic lanes off 
der ceety, mit hiss leetle tails straight up mit der 

eelements ; and, der 
udder iss der vay 
der yoong mans pants 
doont coome mit der 
shoe-tops. Both off 
der blame tings 
should be arreested 
and put mit der goat- 
deepartment off der 
life peneetentiary, 
yes. 




Hafing vatched der childens mit der foolish play- 
ings and no vork at all for many years, I hafe coome 
mooch to der concloosions dot dey iss not after all, 
sooch a great improovements ofer der grown-up 
peeples, no. 

If you like mooch deese leetle books and vant 
agencees and tings, or vant to tells me how you like, 
write a quick-letter mit der telegram-vires and tell 
der vire-man to seend der blame bill to me efery 
month, yes. 



112 




HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

I beelief dot if old man Jones vould gif e hiss yoong 
soon Villie, all der mooneys vich yoong Villie vant, 

dot der blame yoong-goat, 



vould buy seventeen new 
automobeels mit vun day, 
and der next day ride 
efery vun off dem mit 
death and destrooction. 
Vot der yoong fellow 
^C^!!^^^"^*^ needs moore den any ting 
else, iss not goot seense, but moore-room, yes. 

If ve vould do yoost vot ve tink iss right, dot iss 
vot der conscience sayes, der vould not be mooch 
meenness, no. But insteed off doing vot der con- 
science sayes, ve do vot ve blame-pleese right or 
wrong, yes. 

I sayes mit Meeses Smoogles i Mudder, vot iss der 
name off der third soon? She sayes : Look mit der 
book, Hammie, and doont bodder me, vunce. I den 
take der book from der pockets, and find der name, 
yes. Ve hafe so meeny childens vich haf e sooch hard 
names, dot I can not alvays deesremember dem, no. 
Vun iss name Hammie, yes, I alvays remeember dot 
vun, and annudder iss Carooso, annudder Marteen- 
ela, annudder Hermann, and ven I hafe der book, I 
can alvays tink up der udder vuns, yes. 



113 



HAMMIE SMOOGLBS 

1 iiafe mooch strong beeliefs mit der doctrins off 
der eerly bird oatching der vurms. My ehildens vos 
all born eerly mit life and hafe alvays been yoost 
full off der blame-vnrms, yes. 

You can fool soome off der peeples all off der 
time, all off der peeples soome off der time, but you 
cant fool soome off der peeples and all off der 
peeples mit der same time, no. 



I frequently often vish I 
cood valk yoost ass light 
and soft ass der cat or der 
rabbet, but I vould not like 
to hafe to bow-up my back 
almoost double like der cat, 
efery time I get mad and 
vant to cry, nor vould I 
like der long-ears off der 
rabbet, so I vill yoost re- 
main der man vich I iss, 
yes. 

Der reeson dot lead vill 
sink ven you throw it mit 
'^^ der vaters, iss not beecause 

der lead iss heafier den der vaters, no, but beecause 
der vaters iss lighter den der lead, yes. 




114 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

Der heap moore you do for your own peeples, 
your reelatifs or your friends, der less may be ox- 
pected off dem vunce, for soon dey vill coonclude 
you should do mooch-moore den you iss, yes. Not 
so mit der stranger, no. 

Ven you lend a kin-re el at if soome mooney, vich 
he osk mit you, and you osk reequest for der pay 
ven der same coome due, you vill moost-alvays make 
an eenemy, ass no pay iss oxpected to be made mit 
him, and ven you sayes, pay interest too, you iss in 
great-danger off beeing turned out off your own 
house, yes. 

Ve hafe had soome kin-ree-latifs lifing and board- 
ing mit us for seeveral years vunce. Der longer 
moore ve keep dem der heap mooch-moore-trouble- 
some dey iss, and der mooch less mooneys ve get mit 
der troubles. I beeliefs dot if ve keep dem mooch 
longer, nottings oxcept a few neekles vill dey pays, 
no. 

Mooch peeples hafe soometimes a piece off an 
idea, and at udder times a nudder piece, but sel- 
dom vunce hafe a whoole idea, no. If der same 
peeples vare to hafe a whoole idea pop into der 
mind mitout notice, der vould be vun solem death mit 
der famely, yes. 



115 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

Der character off der voman, like dot off der bank, 
iss vun sacred tings mit her, and if she loose it vnnce, 
she may like der bank, nef er be able to regain vot she 
loose. How mooch wrong and veeked it iss to at- 
teempt to deestroy der characters off eether, and 
der only vnn vich vonld doo sooch a tings, vould be 
der lowest-down off der catties, yes. 

Ven der sly-fox look 
up mit der bell, he 
sayes : A long tongue, 
a hollow head, a heap 
of fuss and nothing 
said. Deese sayings 
iss mooch applecable 
to many mans and 
vomans vich yon know, 
and vich should be mit 
der life peniteentiary 
for a vile, to train der 
tongues, yes. 

Tings iss no moore 
ass dey use to vos, no. 
Ven my anceesters vos a boy, der yoong mans vore 
toe pants insteed off breeches, and der yoong vomans 
vore cotton dresses insteed off short seelk skeerts. T 
tink der vorld iss soon cooming mit its last-eend, yes. 




116 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

In going mit der ceety lanes on yeesterday, I heard 
vun geentleman sayes mit annuder vnn: I moved 
my boarding house last week. I cood not hafe 
beeliefs mit der statements, and sayes : How big 
vos der house, Meester? and he sayes: Two stories 
and nine rooms. I can not now beelief hiss say- 
ings, no. 

Meester James Calvin Hooper off Dallas, Texas, 
vich wrote der moost classic off all poems, mit der 
book Portinia, iss vnn poem-pen-pnsher, and vun 
red-bird-seenger off der deep forests off tall-teem- 
bers, and ven he seeng der Portinia-Song, he seet 
mit der highest-up leembs, yes. 

I do not tink dot der iss any tings mateerial mit 
deese universe to coompare mit der beauteeful yoong 
voman vich hass a sweet and lufing deespositions, 
and vich iss honest and thoroughly troothful mit her 
deelings mit her fellow-mans and her fellow-vomans. 
She iss a jewel off great price, yes. 

I met mit a breecher recently soon vich vos der 
ugliest man I efer see, but he vos vun goot man. I 
hafe often vundered seence, yoost how he vould look 
mit der kingdom ass an angel, and dot if he look 
mooch like he do now, dot he vould scare to death 
quick soome off der udder sweet angels, yes. 



117 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 




I hafe great beeliefs mit 
der vise Biple sayings, vich 
sayes : Der eerly bird catch- 
es der blame vurm. If der 
visdom off deese reemark 
apply mit beesness, der far- 
mer, vich iss alvays up early, 
vould be yoost-full off 



vurms, yes. 



Ven I look goot mit a mule and a moonkey, and see 
how der deeference iss, I vender mooch vye ve iss 
made so deeferent ass ve-iss, but I soopose it iss on 
account off der constrooction, yes. 

It iss moost hard to tell der deeference between 
der leetle boys and der leetle girls, for all iss leetle 
girls vile dey vare der skeerts; but ven der leetle 
boy-girl put on der nee-breeches she den becoomes 
a reel leetle-boy, yes. 

Der iss nottings mooch moore delightful mit deese 
vorld den to know dot der iss many goot, honest, and 
troothful peeples mit it ; .and, dot soome off deese 
iss your lufing and indoolgent friends. Mooch off 
der joy coomes from der beeliefs dot deese friends 
vill alvays be your friends, rich or poor, sick or veil, 
dead or alife, yes. 



118 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

I do not like der vind any moore mit der vinter, 
cause ven I raise up my head at night der cold vind 
doont vait a minit, but yoost rooshes mit der place 
dot make me cold, yes. 

Ven I sees a man mit a stoove-pipe hat on, and a 
beeg diamond stud mit der froont off der shirt, I 
alvays keep my eye mit der man because I speecions 
him, yes. 

It iss no sateesfactions votefer to hafe friends, 
vich ven dey hear soometings deroogatory mit you, 
although der may not be vun-trooth mit it, vill not 
coome to you mit der stoory, but vill yoost shrink 
avay from you, becooming cool mit demseelf s. Avay 
mit friendsheeps like deese for der iss no reel friend- 
sheeps off any kind mit dem for any bodys at all, no. 

If all off der no-count peoples vos kilt, and all off 
der half-nocount peoples vos hurried, deir vould be 
sooch a small-few left dot der moost off dem vould 
coommit-suicide before der vater got hot, yes. 

Ven der yoong man run up and down against der 
hardsheeps off deese life, he vill mooch often find a 
strong vind-gale blowing mit his face, and if he 
doont look-sharp he vill loose hiss hat, mit der 
meex-up, yes. 



119 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

Der first important event mit der life off der 
yoong lady iss der deepluma from der female -girl 
college. Der next important event iss der cooming- 
out party, vich iss to notify der yoong men, vieh vare 
der tight-coats and short-breeches, dot she iss full- 
reedy for der coortsheeps off matrimoony, yes. 

Off all der anemals, bugs 
and tings, der blamed long- 
eared doonkey takes all der 
pudden. He iss yoost so 
lazy dot he care nottings 
how he moove aronnd, a;nd 
if he efer moove at all, no. 
It iss a great vnnder dot 
ven he sleep, he iss not too- 
mooch-lazy to vake up no more, vunce. 

Vun off der cheef reasons vye udders iss not in- 
terested mit you, may be because you iss not in- 
terested mit udders. Human natures iss largely 
based upon der proposition : You do mooch mit me, 
and I vill do soome mit you, yes. 

It iss not der mans nor der vomans vich drink der 
leequers vich iss alvays der vuns eentoxicated, no. 
A great many mans and vomans iss droonk mit 
soome soobjects mitout efer using leequers, yes. 



120 




HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

How gloriously refreshing and how beautifully 
captivating it iss to meet and meengle mit peeples 
vich hafe bright seentillating minds, and sweet un- 
seelfish spirits, whose friendsheeps iss moore valu- 
able den mooch-gold, and whose vord iss notting but 
der plain-truth, yes. 

I vant often to sayes deese leetle prayers : Hafe 
meercy oh Lord, mit der friends vich ve hafe and 
teech dem to be alvays friends, and to alvays speek 
mit der trooth, and not speek goot mit us to-day, 
and bad beehind der back to-morrow. Amen, yes. 



It iss heep mooch 
funny to see der 
American female- 
lady folks primp-up- 
and-down so mooch, 
peencil der brows, 
see dot der lips iss /: 
on straight, put on 
der powder thick, 
and yoost ass few 
clothes and ass 
short vuns ass der I 
law vill sanction, be- 
fore going out mit 
der blowing-breezes, 
yes. 




121 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

Der blackmailer iss vun off der voorst characters 
vich iss allowed to haf e an oxeestence, and iss moore 
dangerous mit mankind den a thousand rattlesnakes, 
yes. 

Vun-third off my time iss spent trying to keep my 
friends mit a goot humor mit me; annudder vun- 
third in trying to keep my enemees mit der proper 
deestance, so dey may remain enemees; and, an- 
nudder vun-third in trying to keep myseelf mit goot 
speeking terms mit myseelf. So dot I hafe leetle- 
time mit vich to improove der situations off my con- 
ditions, no. 



I stepped mit a drug- 
store soome time soon, and 
a middle aged geentleman 
answered der telefone. Ven 
he leestened, a vomans 
voice vos heard. He 
sayes: Wait a second 
please. He thereupon 
snatched hiss hat off and 
sayes : Now, mam what is 
it? Deese man iss een- 
tirely too poolite to lif mit a 
free coontry, and should 
hafe been hurried long beefore he vos born, yes. 




122 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

I met der old Devil vun night mit der big road 
and der moon-lights. He breestled up to me mit hiss 
long horns and waving forked-tail, and mit mooch 
foam mit der mouth. I sayes: You cannot scare 
me mit your horns and forked-tail. I iss yoost ass 
mean ass you, and I ought to hafe horns and two 
forked tails, yes. Yen he hurd deese, der red 
scoundrel flued mit der moon-lights, yes. 



I nefer cood mees- 
understand correctly 
yoost how der moon 
iss soometimes so 
full, and soometimes 
so leetle - and - thin, 
mit der heavens, hut 
I sooppose it moost ^^E; 
be on account off der ^ 
sizes off der moon at deeferent times, yes 




I hafe often been osked many times vunce, vare 
did I coome from. I vill now sayes vare : I vos 
boorn early mit life on my mudders side, mit der 
coontrys off Mesopotamia, and at der same time on 
my farders side, mit der coontrys off Persia. Deese 
iss der coontrys off my nativities, and alvays vill 
be, yes. 



123 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

New York, U. S. A., 
Oct. 1, 1917. 

My Deer Mrs. Smoogles:— 

Dot you may not be unalarmed at deese, I vill tell 
you dot I iss your hoosband vot bass lift mit you so 
long and mit so moocb bappiness, yes. 

I vill now sit myself up, and wrote you vun leetle 
letter, from deese great ceety, vicb iss so big and so 
bigb, and mit vicb so many peeples lif and moove and 
bass der beings, yes. 

You vill reecall dot I bafe now been avay from 
you soometimes, my tarlings, and from dose pree- 
oious leetle Smoogles vicb ve so moocb luff, and vicb 
iss our own leetle cbildens, yes. 

Ven I left boome, I boarded a train, and put out 
for deese great ceety, and I rode on dot same trains 
— I do not mean dot I rode on top off der trains no, 
my dear, but in dem yes — dot iss a sayings off der 
peeples vicb dey do not mean — and at last I arrift 
mit der Voldorf Hotel Astoria, vare I am very pleas- 
antly and uncomfortably seetuated, yes. 

I visb to tell you soometings mit dose darling leetle 
Smoogles, vicb I do not vant you to fail to forget to 
do, yes. I vant you efery moornings, ven der leetlest 
Smoogles vakes, to gife Mm first vun bot glass off 
vater, yoost ass bot ass be can stand it, den take bim 
up mit your preecious arms and reemind bim off 
biss far-away farders, and say soome sweet tings 

124 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

mit me and him, and please doont fail to forget deese 
efery moornings till I coome hoome vimoe. 

Der iss many strange tings about deese ceety, 
vnn iss dot der houses iss so high-up from der 
ground, soome off dem yoost scrape der sky, dey iss 
so tail-up, and deese iss called der sky-scrapers, yes. 
Der iss many off deese kind off beeldings vioh hafe 
rooms and tings avay up mit der heavens, yes. 

Ass I hafe now wrote too mooch off a pleenty, I 
vill stop up, and vishing you and yours mooch goot 
happiness till you see me, I am moost loofingly, 

Your hoosband, 
HAMMIE SMOOGLES. 

Vot an easy ting it iss and how often engaged in, 
yet how unchreestian, for peeples to oxpouse der 
cause off deir friends against der cause off all udder 
peeples, ven der Chreestian doctreens teach dot ve 
should be goot and just mit all, and no reespecter off 
persons mit any. Ven ve oxpouse der cause off der 
vun, ve vork against der eenterest off der udder 
vun, ven ve should not vork against der eenterest off 
any vun, but oxpouse der goot cause off all, yes. 

Ven a man does you a meeschiefs, and in explain- 
ing vye he did, and you cannot meesunderstand his 
explanations to your deessatisfactions, it iss time to 
coome to blows mit him, and settle-it-up, vunce. 

125 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

Der fire department broke-out der udder night, 
and destroyed whole blocks off houses and tings, and 
ven der wheezles blow, dot mean dot der coontrol vos 
under-der-fire all right, and der vagons dey yoost 
put-back to der engine stalls. Der vos no moore fire, 
no. 



Meeses Smoogles sayes: Vye iss it Hammie, 
dot der Devels under der earth hafe horns and a 

forked tails, ven so 
many off der 
peeples on top off 
der earth do not 
dress der same 
vay? I sayes: You 
do not seem to yet 
meesunderstand 
der dupleecities off 
der peeples, no. If 
der devels above 
der earth vos to put 
on der correct 
clothes, der udder 
peeples vould soon 
immeediately know 
who-ve-iss, yes, but 
in order to practice dupleecities, ve moost not vare 
der horns nor der tails, no. 

126 




1 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 




I vos valking mit der ceety lane yeesterday, ven 
I coome to many peeples mit vnn place. I sayes : 
Vot iss der matters, please? Vun man sayes: A 
billy goat ran over an automobile. I sayes: Vot 
iss der kerlameetesf He sayes : One crippled goat, 
one bruised up automobile and two people killed. 
I sayes : Mine got ! Vot a happenings iss deese, yes. 

Avay back yoonder, een olden times, ven der glad- 
iators fought mit bools and tings, der peeples vos so 
eenterested mit funs, dot dey yoost had no time at 
all for beesness and troobles and tings, but took der 
vorld ass vun grand circus-show-rings, yes 



127 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

Vun moornings my son Caruso vos loafing mit der 
house, ven mit voice oxcitements I sayes: Caruso, 
vye iss it dot you doo not follow mit der feet-steps 
off your farders, and get mit you vun quick-move 
mit beesness, I iss oxtonislied mit you! Vun hour 
after deese sayings, I sayes to der doctor : Vot you 
tink? He sayes: He is resting easier, and I think 
he will soon get over the shock and be up again. I 
sayes : Tanks mit pleasures, I hope so, yes. 

Tole me quick, vunce ! Ven, vill der ceevilized 
white peeples efer learn to quit deese tings off fight- 
ing each udder mit death, and learn to hafe soome 
real goot hard seense. Der blame foolishness hass 
been going on now too long and too often, and der 
first and second ting you know der yeellow race vill 
rool der whoole blame vorld, yes. 

If der mans and vomans vould alvays be found 
mit der coompany off goot peeples, dey vould nefer 
be caught mit der stell-traps off der slanderers and 
black-mailers, vich iss alvays setting sooch traps, 
yes. 

Efery boody plays but daddy. Deese iss vun goot 
sayings mit der preesent times. Ven daddy iss veil 
mit der harness, den efery body else iss mooch ready 
for der moovies, base-balls, plays and tings, yes- 



128 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

If der girl vot chews mooch vax and puts on moore 
paint den she does clothes, vould yoost hafe her 
dress pooled a leetle moore too-soon, she vould be 
vun red-ripe peach ; and der boys vich hafe der short- 
breeches, could stand mooch longer mit der corners 
off der ceety lanes, mit anteecipated pleasures, yes. 

Vun deeference between der mule and der man 
iss, dot you hafe to get behind der mule before he 
keek you, der man no, but both vill look mooch-in- 
noceence yoost before he keek, yes. 

Ven der yoong man 
vich iss mooeh fond off 
sports and tings, goes 
out mit his guns for to 
game-hunt, he vill al- 
vays take goot aim- 
sight before he pull 
der treegers, dot he may 
be mooch-sure off vun 
death ven he shoot ; but 
ven der same yoong man 
goes out to hunt-sooc- 
cess mit life, he doont 
seem to care mooch, and 
he does not sight at all 
beef ore he pull der treegers, no. 




129 



HAMMIE SMO OGLES 

I vent mit der book-store on yeesterday and osked 
iff der Eeview off Reviews had coome-in yet, and 
der book-man sayes: It has not come-out yet. I 
sayes : Vot I vish to know iss ven it coome in, not 
ven it vent out, you doont seem to meesunderstand, 
and mit deese sayings, and soome bad humors, I 
valked meeself out, vunce. 

Der cheef deeference between der American man 
and all udder anemals iss, dot der udder anemals 
alvays lie mit der side, but der man lies moooh stand- 
ing, yes. 

My observations instruct me, dot it iss alvays 
moore-best, ven you sees a man and hiss vife quar- 
reling-mooch mit each udder, to yoost keep yourself 
avay from dem, or you may soon be meexed-up moore 
den a pleenty mit both oif dem, yes. 

Meeses Smoogles sayes : Hammie, doont you tink 
dot der vimmens iss moost beautifully-pretty, ven 
dey primp-up-and-down so mooch! I sayes: I vill 
tole you how dot iss, mudder. Der iss nottings so 
beautiful and lovely, mit der universe, ass der vim- 
mens especially, ven dey iss modest and retiring, 
and I yoost adore all off dem, but tink dot der eem- 
bodyments off my ideals iss-you, and dot you iss der 
prettiest and loveliest off dem all, vunce. 



130 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 




Der selfishness mit der human famelees iss vun 
off der greatest off all sins, vich cood mooch be 
avoided. Ven der leetle child iss first born early in 
life, der mudder, der neighbors and all, make so 
mooch off der leetle ting, by keesings and pettings, 
dot by der time der leetle ting iss eight years old, 
it hass like a spoonge, absorbed so-mooch-selfishness, 
dot it vill take seeventy-fife years for der selfishness 
to evaporate, yes. 

It iss alvays moore goot dot ve see onrseelfs ass 
our neighbors vill see ns, and ven ve doo, veil, ve 
iss not mooch stuck mit ourseelf s, no. 



131 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

Many peeples practeece and beeliefs mit der doc- 
treens : I can affoord to be your f reend and pay you 
mooch attentions, so long ass der iss or may be, a 
beenefit cooming mit me in dooing so, but ven der 
time coome ven you cannot be to me vun beenefit, I 
see no goot-reason, vye I should be your freend any 
moore, no. 

Messes Smoogles vos bad-sick vunce and she 
says : Hammie, I haf e been alvays true mit you, and 
ven I die, I vill still be true, for I vill not efen look 
mit annudder mans. I sayes : And I assures you 
Doodles, dot I vill do der same tings, yes. Ven she 
hear my sayings mit her, she drop to sleep mit der 
angels, yes. 

I tink dot der 
mule iss der kind- 
est-hearted off all 
der catties, oxcept 
it iss der dog; and 
if you keep him 
fed mit mooch corn 
and oats and tings, 
he vill not nefer 
keek you, unless 
you tweest hiss tails vunce, but if you doo dot, look- 
sharp, yoost ven you doo der tweest-act, yes. 




132 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

Der street cars and der automobeels keep me all 
der time mooch poozzled up, mit der vay dey roon so 
quick-fast. I do not meesunderstand deese leetle 
fires vich make dem roon and vich dey call elec- 
treecetes, no. 

Der longest vay mit der froont-door iss mooch 
often der shortest vay around der house, yes. For 
eenstance, to sooccessfully court a damsel, you vill 
make der greatest-speeds ven you court her all- 
around many times, yes. 

I vunder vye der peeples sayes dot I iss vun Iyer, 
but dey all sayes it. Veil der iss vun consoolations, 
dot I iss not naturally so. My fadders and my par- 
ents inheerited it up to me, yes. 

Der reeson vich make me alvays tink dot der 
yoong man should fail eerly mit beesness, iss dot my 
observations teech, dot he vill soon bust mit soome- 
vay, and I mooch rudder see him bust mit beesness, 
den settle down vunce. 

Ven der doctor call mit you, he vill offcoourse 
soobscribe soome kind off meedicens for you, and 
if you iss reely seek, you better took vot he lefs, 
ass you might die sooner, den ven you take hiss 
meedicens, yes. 

133 



HAMMIE SMOOGLE 




Ven I vos a boy a 
mans vord vos Ms 
bond, and you cood 
alvays deepend mit 
vot be tole you; but 
now efery fellow iss 
paddleeng biss own 
canoo, and doont 
care moocb-off-a-durn for bow you get on tbrougb 
life, or wbetber you bafe a canoo mit vicb to paddle, 
no. 

Ven a man fly mad and keell you quick, der 
peeples says be vos crazy mit der brain, and dey 
vant to gife bim meercy; and, ven der same man 
coonclude to keell you again, be vill fill up mit 
leequor, and der same peeples again sayes be vos 
crazy-droonk, and vant to again gife meercy; but, 
ven der same man rob a train, or bold-down a bank, 
der same meerciful-peeples sayes: Send der blame 
rascal up-for-life, yes. 

I doo not know vot vould beecoome off deese vorld, 
if it vos not for der preecbers and der vimmens, ass 
dey iss der salvations off der peeples. Der men iss 
alvays engaged mit trying to sell moore goots, ride 
moore automobeels, or get moore elected mit office, 
den biss neigbbors, yes. 



134 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 




Der first tweenty 
years off a vomans 
life iss spent looking 
mit der glass-mirror 
admireeng v o t iss ; 
der next tweenty, try- 
ing to keep der 
charms off der first 
tweenty; and, der last 
tweenty telling der 
peeples how beautiful- 
ly pretty she vos, van 
she vos a yoong vo- 
mans, yes. 



Deese time, I vos brought up mit der coontry a 
boy-mans, mit der peegs and der cheekens, and doon 
no mooch ; but der next time I vill be a girl-vomans, 
and vill vare der thin-stockengs and hafe my cheeks 
red mit all kinds off der paints and tings, yes. 

Neepoleon vos a great meeletary geenius, but ass 
a man not so great. Alexander vos also a great 
meeletary man, and wept dot he had noo moore na- 
tions too conquer, but der greatness off Alexander 
vos moore mit der character off der man heemself, 
yes. 



135 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

Der deeference between der American mans and 
der American vomans iss a great mooch. Ven der 
American mans meet mit a friend, he doont make 
mooch ofer him, no, and ven he meet mit an eenemy, 
he yoost bow mit him. Ven der American vomans 
meet mit a friend, she make heep-mooch, but ven she 
meet mit an eenemy, she yoost doont see der eenemy, 
dot iss der deeference, yes. 




Ven I meet mit a 
beely goat, mit his 
leetle tails steeking 
straight up mit der 
eelements, I alvays 
tips my hat. Der' 
reason iss dot I 
vant him to know 
dot I iss a varm 
friend mit hiss goat- 
sheeps, for der sake off policees, and also to 
down a fuss mit him, yes. 



keep 



Seence cooming ofer mit deese coontry, I see a 
great deal off peoples vich seem to know moore mit 
udder-peeples beesness, den dey know mit der oon, 
and dey hafe mooch deelights mit telling vot dey 
know, and mooch-moore too, yes. 



13:6 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

Moore den a pleenty, I like to see der peeples 
ride mit beautiful automobeels and tings, if dey iss 
enough veil off to liafe dem, mitout putting mort- 
gages mit deemselfs and der propertes vich dey iss 
supposed to haf e ; but ven dey haf e to doo der mort- 
gage-act first, it iss no goot to doo der udder vun last, 
ass der reel pleasures vill go busted, and nottings 
vill be left, oxcept der show-off-parts, no. 



Eecently soon, annudder 
geentleman and myself 
coome mit a deesagree- 
ment and a meesunder- 
standings. He vos mooch 
der same size ass my 
veight, but taller-up. He 
'coomenced to sayes soome 
cuss-talks mit me, vich vos 
like coals off fire on my 
■head. Beeing provoked 
J mit mooch bad humors, 
and mit my steel-gray eyes 
gleeming mit him I sayes : 
You cannot use cuss-talks mit me like dot, I vill 
knock you mit der satans and der fires quick. He 
reecognized der full meenings off my sayings mit 
him, and took quick to his legs, yes. 




137 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

Ven der ancient Greeks, and Eomans lift, dey vos 
alvays hafing mooch beelief s mit too many gods and 
tings. If dey had beelieft mit vnn-God vioh rnles 
mooch, der peeples den vonld hafe been moore 
bright and moore chreestians, yes. I beeliefs mit 
der vun-God, and dot He made all der peeples and 
tings, yes; but I doo not beeliefs mit der Darvins 
and der Huxleys vot sayes, dot your anceesters vos 
a lot off fool-moonkeys, no. 



Der iss two grand 
diveesions off der hu- 
man fameeles mit 
deese coontry. Vun 
iss der down-trod- 
den s and der udder 
iss der up-troddens. 
Vich vun off deese iss 
der best may be hard 
to tell. Vun is moost 
full off egotesms, 
vanetees and con- 
ceets, der three tings 
coombined being 
vorse den nottings, 

and der udder vun iss moost eempty off efery tings. 

Fall mit der vun you choose, and vire me der ree- 

soolts, yes. 




138 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

If der assasseenations off vun leetle Dukie and 
hiss vife mit Servia, can set fire mit all Europe, con- 
sooming millions off lifes and billions off prop- 
erty, vot vould be der resoolt if two or three leetle 
Dukies and der vifes, vos assasseenated mit der 
same leetle coontrys, yes. 



In leeterature der greatest geenius vich der 
vorld hass efer seen iss der man Shakespeere; but 
outside off leeterature, der greatest geenius vich der 
vorld hass yet seen iss der man Edison ; and, off der 
two, Edison iss der greater den der Shakespeere, 
yes. 

Soome off der mens moost 
hafe develooped from der 
doonkey, for you vill now 
and den see vun prick-up 
hiss ears, and bray mooch- 
loud mit nottings. I often 
vunder yoost vot der reel re- 
lationsheeps iss, yes. 




Der man or voomans vich hafe der foul-mouth 
and der long sleek, poison tongue, vich iss alvays 
going about seeking to blacken der characters and 
goot names off der peeples, iss mitout any question 
der moost lowest-down off all der catties, yes. 



139 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

Der best vay I buy clothes iss deese : I go down 
mit deeferent stores, try on soome soots, talk-big 
mit der time. I sayes, send deese vun mit my res- 
ideences, I vill take deese. Send der bill mit me 
der first off efery month, yes. 

If der Kingdom off 
der Heavens iss a 
nef er-eending place off 
happeeness; and, der 
Kingdom off der Hells 
vun place off nefer- 
\ eending toorments ; 
(and, der Kingdom off 
der Earth vun leem- 
ited place, vare ve 
make choice for eether 
off der udder two; it 
might not be vun bad- 
ideea to seet down mit 
a knife and soome 
whittlings, and meeditate vich-vun, yes. 

In order to preserve der goot name and goot rep- 
utations, it iss mooch advisable to be friendly mit all 
peeples, but fameeliar mit blame-few, and know der 
few goot-vell, before der fameeliaritees set-in, ass 
many bad snakes iss mit der high-grass, yes. 




140 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 




It iss mit great 
sadness off der 
mind, and hard- 
sheeps off der body, 
dot soome peoples 
haf e to vork ; but ven 
der same peoples 
hafe a chance to 
play, der hotness off 
der suns, and der 
hardness off der 
plays, make no troobles for dem ; but yoost any ting 
goes, so long ass you name it plays, yes. 

It seems to me, dot der breeches off der yoong 
American mans, iss pooled a heep-mooch too soon, 
ass dey doo not coome mit close poseetions mit der 
shoes, off der same yoong mans, ven he valk out, mit 
der lanes off der ceety, to meet der girls, no. 

Der yoong voman vill see a man cooming down 
der lane, and she vill put herseelf mit a poosition 
vare he moost see her. She vill keep der corner 
off vun-eye mit him till he get up-near ; den she vill 
be moost eenterested, mit der leetle bugs crawling 
mit der ground. Dot iss too make der eempressions 
dot she doont see him, ven she doos, yes. 



141 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

Vun off der reasons vich I vould lufe to be lifing 
mit deese earth, ven der Meeleniuin coome iss, I vant 
moocli to see, if der peeples vould be satisfied mit it. 
Der vill be many peeples, I am sure, vicb vould pre- 
fer der open-saloon and mooch poleetics, ven der 
grinding off der axes vould be mit order, yes. 

It iss mooch an easy ting mit der human life, to be 
your friend ven you hate mooch, or ven you iss a 
great-eenHuence peeples; but how natural and true 
it iss, dot ven you loose your propertees or your in- 
flueence-greatness, for us to yoost gife you der go- 
bye, for nottings can now be oxpected off you, for our 
own goot, no. 



Soometime ago long 
seence, myself and annud- 
der geentleman had a 
) meesunderstandings, mit 
our reelations mit soome 
beesness. He strook me 
mit der left cheek, and 
knock me ofer. I got up, 
immediately-quick, and 
after tinking mit my duties, I turned der right 
cheek, and he strook me mit dot cheek. Tinking I 
had foolfilled der coommands, I peetched in and al- 
moost beet der blame fool to death, vunce. 




142 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 



Meester Darwin, 



Meester Huxley and udder 
Naturalists hafe been trying 
to deescover der oxact reela- 
tionsheeps mit you and der 
Moonkeys, Apes and tings; 
but after mooch oxamina- 
tions admit dot dey cannot 
tell vare der mens coome 
from, nor vare der colors off 
der mens coome from, no. 



Ven an anemal dies it 
dies, but ven a man dies he 
lifs. Ven a moonkey dies it 
dies. Ven der same moonkey, according to Darwin, 
deveelops itself mit a man den dies, vot den Mr. 
Darwin! Does der moonkey-man dies or does he 
lifs ? Ven did it reech der stage ven it ceese to dies, 
or der man ceese to lifs, yes. 




If der goot Lord, after creeating der Heavens and 
der Earth, and after creeating all kinds and styles 
off catties, dogs, moonkeys, fowls, fishes, beasts and 
vegetations, could not den creeate all kinds and 
styles off der mans, vich der Biple sayes He did 
creeate, His abileetys moost hafe run-out com- 
pleetely, yes. 



143: 



HAMMIE SMOOGL.BS 



It iss no doubt 
mooch true, dot if 
\ieester Darwins 
theory iss correct, 
about d e r man 
cooming from der 
moonkey;and if man 
get mit der kingdom 
off der Heavens, dot 
der same Kingdom 
vill be yoost swarm- 
ing mit der moonkey-angels too, yes. 




It iss impossible to sayes dot mans sprung, or 
even joomped from der ceemlen-headed, long- 
tailed, fool moonkey ; but if you doo sayes it, I defy 
you to sayes dot der vimmins, sprung from der same 
soource. You know mighty blamed-vell, dot no fool 
moonkey efer had, or efer cood hafe, ass long-hair, 
or ass many-notions mit vun minute, ass der average 
vomans, no. 

If man spring from moonkeys, at vot stage off der 
game did der blamed fool moonkeys, drop off der long 
tails, and all der hair vich coovered der entire bodys ; 
and, if der Darwins iss correct, did der deeferent 
races off mans coome from black-moonkeys, vhite- 
moonkeys, red-moonkeys, and yellow-moonkeys, yes. 



144 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

Yen ve discuss der theory off man cooming from 
der moonkeys, ve must not fail to remeember, dot 
ve hafe der black man mit keenky hair ; der red man 
mit long coorse hair ; and der yellow man mit long 
straight hair. Did ve efer hafe der black, red, yel- 
low and white moonkeys, and if not, ven vos der 
changes made mit der coolors, yes. 

In der making off mans and anemals and tings, 
it vos yoost ass easy for der goot Lord to make a 




perfect man, and a separate moonkey, ass to make 
der mans deevelop from der monkey, dot iss it! 
Avay mit der Darvins. You iss noo moonkeys, no. 

If der Darvin Theory iss coorrect, vich iss not, I 
vould yoost like to know, at vich stage off der deevel- 
opments, did my great-grand-daddy, loose der moon- 
key tail, yes. 



145 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

Yoost ass well sayes dot der gobler deveeloped 
from der banty-rooster ; der Newfoundland dog from 
der poodle ; and der ox from der sheeps, ass to sayes 
dot man coome from der moonkeys. If der goot 
Lord can make der-vun, He need not lieseetate in 
making der ndder-vnn, no. 

It iss yoost ass reesonable, to sayes dot der God 
made all mans, ass it iss to sayes dot He made all 
anemals, all birds, and fishes, yes. Vile it iss mooch- 
true, dot der Moonkey iss vun smart-leetle-fools, vich 
hass a long tails ; ven a mans iss also vun pig smart 
fools, vich hass no tails ; steel der dog iss also mooch- 
smart mit a tails, derfore if der moonkey, iss your 
relationsheeps, so iss der dogs, and der sheeps, and 
der catties, yes. 

If Meester Darwins theory off der eevolutions off 
man, from der blamed apes and moonkeys and tings 
iss correct; I vould like mooch to know, if deese 
parteecular fameely off anemals, vos der oonly fam- 
eely off anemals, vich had sooch a power off im- 
prooving deemselfs, yes. 

In discussing der questions off der man and der 
moonkey, and vich vun spring from der udder van; 
you moost not fail to deesremember, dot nottings in 
der Universe off God, hass efer made any soobstan- 



146 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

tial improovement, mitout der touch off mans in- 
teellect; and dot likes beget likes vich iss der uni- 
versal law off propeegation ; and dot ven you sayes 
dot der moonkey-fameely, in and off itself, so greatly 
improoved a poortion off its fameely, many moon- 
keys still remaining; you make a statements vich 
can not apply mit any udder creeture, oxcept man 
himself, and efen he cood not doo it, oxcept for hiss 
intelligence, no. 

I tink you vill reedily agree mit me, dot instinct 
iss vun ting, and intellect iss quite annudder ting. 
Man has intellect, and der beast hass instinct. Did 
you efer know off a case off instinct turning into dot 
off inteeligence, unteel Meester Darvins seems to 
hafe deescovered it, mit der case off a monkey? 
You hafe heard off intellect loosing its power, and 
der person becooming insane; but not off instinct, 
bursting like a bud into der form off a flower, and 
becooming intellect. If so vare, by George, iss der 
case you cite, yes. 

I reepeat, dot man iss der oonly creeture, vich God 
efer creeated, dot hass der abeelity to make eeny 
improovements, either for hiss own race or for eeny 
ting else. Der develoopments and uses made off 
teember; der mining off coal and using it for der 
creeation off power ; der harnessing off eelectreecity, 



147 



HAMMIE SMOOGL.es 

and making it to doo so meeny tings, iss samples off 
vot eentellect can doOj and vich insteenct cannot doo. 
But remeember still, dot God alone iss der vnn to 
oreeate, and dot eentellect can oonly devise how to 
use vot God hass creeated; remeember annudder 
ting, dot man nefer creeated eeny ting whatefer, 
seence der days off Gods creeations, no. 

Ven der goot Lord creeated der Heavens and der 
Earth, He also creeated meeny kinds and styles off 
catties; meeny kinds and styles off dogs; meeny 
kinds and styles off der beasts; meeny kinds and 
styles off fowls; meeny kinds and styles off 
f eeshes ; and meeny kinds and styles off vegetation. 
Vye iss it den Mr. Darvins, dot der same creeative 
God, could not and did not make meeny kinds and 
styles off mans, mitout hafing him too alvays spring 
from soome blamed-fool anemal, yes I 



Portinia iss vun great poems, writ by der great- 
est off all lifing bird-singers, and hiss name iss 
James Calvin Hooper, and vare he lif iss Texas, 
Dallas. I read dot poems mit der vildest interests, 
and it teaches soome great languages and poem- 
thoughts, it does, and ven he die, hiss poetry-sing- 
ing vill be eemortalized, vunce. 



148 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 




Soometime recently soon, I vent ofer to gife 
soome consoolations mit a yoong, goot-looking- 
lone-orphan vidow, vich had yoost burried der sec- 
ond hoosbands. I pat her moocb geentle mit der 
back, vinking vun eye mit der udder vnn, and sayes, 
mit a meek releegious tone off der voices : I iss 
greatly mooch sorrowful dot you lost, and hafe not 
now no hoosbands; but der heap-best vay iss to 
bear-up, der best you can, and troost-strong for 
soome udder vuns soon again, yes. 

149 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

I hafe now boarded mit deese vorld for seexty 
long years, and vile der iss many goot tings and 
beautiful tings mit it, vich I find, der iss so meeny 
strifes and toormoils gooing on, dot I can not sayes 
dot it iss a very deesirable habitations after all, 
and I am now reedy to moove mit der next-vun, yes. 

It iss said dot der turtle ven be bite you, he vill 
hold on till it thoonder. Der bool-dog moost hafe 
developed from der turtle, for he vill also hold on 
ven he bite. How about deese Meester Darwins? 

To wrote deese books, mit vich I hope dot you 
vill hafe mooch pleasures and laughings, I hafe to 
seet-down moost all off der day, and seet-up moost 
all off der night, yes. 

Der butt-eend off der beely goat, and der udder- 
eend off der mule, iss two eends vich I alvays hafe 
der moost renowned reespect for, ass soome ca- 
lameeties often happen from dem, ven you moost- 
least oxpect any tings, yes. 

Ven I voke up deese mornings, my head vos yoost 
aching big rait der brains. I took first, soome 
aspreens, den soome udder mediceens. Soon der 
two commenced to growl and fought mit deem- 
selfs, and for an hour, I tink dot dey vos trying to 
assassenate me, yes. 

150 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

Socrates, Plato and Aristotle vos der three 
greatest Grecian philoseefers, and taught mit prac- 
tically der same doctrins, Plato and Aristotle being 
der pupils off Socrates, yes. 




Socrates iss said to 
be mit vun great phi- 
loseefer. Veil seenoe he 
beeliefs dot my soul 
lifed long before I vos 
born, and dot moost off 
der nollege dot I now 
hafe, iss vot I reeoollect 
'; from my udder life, vye 
iss it I do not also ree- 
call my friends and my 
fameelies mit dot udder 
life, dot iss it, yes. 



Ven Socrates, der great Grecian philoseefer sayes 
dot my soul vos mit a vild-cat vunce, I sayes dot he 
falseefies, and dot it iss not so; and ven he sayes 
dot ven I die it may go off mit a leetle-bee, he fal- 
seefies again, yes. 

I do not beeliefs any moore mit der great phi- 
loseefers Plato and Socrates, for ven dey sayes dot 
der souls off men and vimmen may hafe coome from 



151 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

soome anemals, or bees, or soome udder vild tings; 
and, dot ven ve die, der sonls may pass out and 
enter mit udder tings like vild-cats, tigers and 
tings, dey do not teech vot der Biple sayes ; and dot 
iss dot der souls iss created ven ve iss created, and 
dot ven ve die, dey vill go into der Heavens or into 
der Hells, dot iss der doctrins, yes. 

If ven I lef deese vorld, I should be transmigated, 
ass my goot friend Socrates vould sayes, mit der 
forms off a bool-frog, I do seencerely hope dot der 
frogs mit der new vorld, may hafe learned how to 
valk like der udder catties, ass I do not nefer vish 
to be alvays joomping head-fooremost, no. 

Socrates taught dot ven der man dies he may be 
transmigrated mit der form off soome anemal, 
catties or tings. My goot friend Socrates, I iss 
oxtonished mit your philoseefy. You doont teech 
der vorld dot intellect iss transmitted into der form 
off instinct do you? Avay mit sooch doctreens! 
Der Biple doctreens iss heap-mooch better, yes. 

I vent mit choorch deese moornings, and der 
breecher, he preech a fine big sermons, to a heep- 
mooch peeples, and der seengings vos goot too. 
Ven I coome home der leetlest Smoogles vos down 
on der floor mit der keety-cats, laughing and yoost 



152 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

hafing a reel goot time. Der moore I see deese 
leetle childens playing mit cats and tings, der moore 
I iss conveenced dot der Darwin-theory may be 
correct, vunce. 




I like der fiddle-musTc mooch best off all der 
musics, and ven my soon Martineela, cross der 
streengs mit hiss bow. Messes Smoogles foots get 
qnick-happy, and she vill sayes: Come on Ham- 
mie, vunce! and vile I doont feel like dooing-der- 
dance, still I cannot controll der quietness off my 
own foots. Ve vould dance der Persian-High-Keek, 
der Messopotamian-Foot-Reel and der American- 
Bool-Frog-Hopp, yes. 

153 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

I vos roaming vild amoong der veather vun 
moornings, ven a geentleman off Irish-assent met mit 
me. He sayes : Top of tlie morning to yon sir. I 
sayes: Tanks mit pleasures. I met again, der 
yoong Irishman late mit der same afternoon, and I 
sayes: Heel off der efenings mit you, yes. He 
blooshed red mit der face and rode on, looking-back, 
and smoling mit hiss mouth, vunce. 

Vun off der moost-best tings vich can happen to 
der yoong man, iss to fail mit heesness vunce or 
twice. In dooing deese, he begin too learn dot hiss 
judgemeents iss not goot, and he vill soon begin too 
know how too reely-tink, vunce. 



I like moore den a pleen- 
ty-mooch, to votch der 
leetle dog-pupps play mit 
deir tails, and roon 
a r u n d-deemself s so 
meeny times, trying to 
cotch-up mit der same 
tails, vunce. Dey iss der 
very eembodyments off 
funs and tings ; and how often soometimes I vish, dot 
I vos also vun leetle hound-pupps, to cotch der bob- 
tail rabbets, yes. 




154 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

If der yoong men off deese coontry vould tink ass 
moocli mit beesness, ass dey doo mit der base-balls, 
mooves, girls and tings, der veels off coomerce and 
der speendles off der meells vonld run night-and-day, 
mit two-shifts, yes. 



Meestress Eddys, ven sbe teach, mit der book 
vich she wrote mit Chreestian Science, and lef out 
der Devils, der Hells, der New Births and all off 
der sins oif der peeples she coome into court, mit a 
bill off injoonctions, against moost all off der Plan 
off Salvation, yes. 



I hafe alvays been mooch 
poozled-up mit der hills. 
Efery time ven I go mit der 
foot off der hills, and look 
up I tink dot dey slant up; 
and efery time I look from 
der tops off der hills, dey 
seem too slant down, so I 
doo not know vich-vay dey 
slant, oonless both-vays, yes. 




Der man or voman, vich iss alvays pointing der 
feenger off creeticisms at der peeples, seek or veil, 
dead or alife, goot or bad, saint or sinner, iss vun 
off der basest characters der vorld hass efer 
known, yes. 

155 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

My old doonkey-mule make me mad mit cuss-talks, 
ven he cotch a bad cold and coommence all der time, 
to sneeze-mit-der-head so mooch. Soometimes I 
hafe strong notions mit der brain, dot I vill yoost 
caught him mit der tails and throw der blame ting 
out off der stable-door, vunce. I tink dot all mule- 
doonkeys hafe a fine ears for musics, yes. 

If Jesus Christ and der Devil vos candidates for 
der Preesidency off der United States, vun mit der 
Deemocratic teeket and der udder vun mit der Ke- 
pooblican teeket; I vould lufe mooch too know how 
der election vould go, and vich vould hafe der big- 
gest majorities, and vich der eelected vun and vye, 
yes. 

How pleasingly en- 
chanting it iss, too sit mit 
der lake-edge, and votch 
der swan-goose, ven she 
glide so smoothly mit der 
heafing bosom-chest off 
der vaters. She iss vun 
lieautiful fowl-bird, and 
der neck, how long and graceful it iss; and if der 
misschief-boy brake it vunce, how mooch easy it 
vould be, yoost too tie it mit a knot, and go on swim^ 
ming, mit foot-paddles again, yes. 




156 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 



Martineela sayes: Dad- 
dy, vye iss it dot sooch a 
strong, rich coontry like 
der United States, vich iss 
der greatest nations un- 
der der Grlobe, hafe too 
repreesent it, mit der 
press-papers and tings, 
sooch an old broken- 
down picture-man ass 
Uncle Sam; and vye doo 
dey not hafe a Samson 
picture-man, ass der em- 
blems and tings, nol I 
sayes : My soon, vye iss 
der Moons not made off a 
green-cheeses, yes? 

It iss a mooch amusing 
tings, to close-votch soome 
off der mens, vich tink deemselfs veil-dressed, ven 
dey stand mit der corners off der ceety lanes, mit a 
large cigar and mooch-puffings ; and, at der same 
time leaning far-back, feeling mooch ripe-oats; and 
mit two sly-eyes among der female-lady-folks, vich 
hafe der short skeerts, der thick powders, der peen- 
celed-brows and tings, yes. 




157 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 



I vunce lif ed mit a house, vare der vos an old-maid- 
speenster, vieh hafe a mooch long sleek-tongue mit 
a poison-eend. Ven she coome down to breekfast, 
she vould hafe der tongue coommence vork; and ven 
she get it vorking goot and quick-fast, der blame 
ting would pop, yoost like der vipp-cracker, ven der 
farmer drife der catties. By eleeven oclock at night, 
it vould becoome so tired from over-vork, dot it go 
on a strike, and reefuse too vork eeny longer. She 
vould reetire, and der tongue vould hang out ofer 
der bed-railings, for a long-quiet-and-peeceful- 
rest, yes. 

Meeses Smoogles 
vos reading mit der 
press-papers, ven 
she turn mit me and 
sayes: Hammie, I 
see vare I can to- 
morrow, get a nice 
spring hat for seven 
dollars and feefty 
ceents. I hafe al- 
reedy der feefty 
ceents, but vare can I got der udder seven dollars, 
vunce? I sayes: Mudder, took your legs mit der 
bank, dot iss der place vare you can alvays find 
mooch mooney, and doont bodder me mit spring 
hats, ass I vare caps, vich I buy for feefty ceents mit 
creedits, yes. 

158 




HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

If der daddys and der mannys off deese coontry, 
had halfe der seense, der yoong soons tink day dem- 
seelfs hafe, der elemeents vould alvays be lighted- 
up mit great breeliancy, yes. 

Ven you sees a man running around, prooclaim- 
ing himseelf a great deemocrat, or a great repoob- 
liean ; you can yoost write it mit your bat, dot he iss 
vun great pie-hunter, mit no deeference ass to der 
kind off pie, no. 

Meeses Smoogles : 
Hammie, how iss it 
dot der Eelephant 
hafe two tails ven der 
udder catties hafe but 
der vun tails? I 
sayes : Der Eele- 
phant, mudder, doont 
hafe but der vun 
tails, no. She 
sayes : You iss 
wrong, vunce, for der 
Eelephant bass a tails mit both eends, yes. I sayes : 
Vot you sees mit der front eend, iss der nose off der 
Eelephant, mudder. She sayes: Hammie, you 
know dot noone off der catties hafe long-noses like 
dot, and I vill not beeliefs vot you sayes, no. 




159 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

Caruso sayes too hiss mudder: Mudder, vot iss 
der udder names off Abraham, and Isaac and Jacob 
and all off der udder vuns mit der Bipies! Iss der 
names John Abraham and Jim Isaacs and Martin 
Jacobs, like my name iss Caruso Smoogles, or vot 
iss der names, yes? Meeses Smoogles sayes: Gro 
osk your daddys, mit sooch questions and doont 
bodder me, vunce. 

Mit der spreeng-time, ven der song-birds melodize 
der forests, and der leetle buds begin too swell and 
burst mit der flowers; and all natures put on der 
beautiful dress otf green; and ven der yoong mans 
fancy turns mit lufe, vot a sweet time it iss too be 
born early mit life, and inhale der perfumes off der 
sweet smell-odors, yes. 




Martineela sayes: Dad- 
dy, vye iss it dot all der 
Progs vich lif mit der vaters, 
iss called bool-frogs, iss der 
no vimmen frogs, no? I 
sayes: My soon, I hafe 
nefer studied der bool-frog 
question, and you vill 
hafe to osk your mudder, 
for she seems too hafe 
raised several off dem, yes. 



160 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 




I soometimes alvays hafe great and sad sympa- 
thies, mit der traveling-coommercial-toorist-sales- 
man, ass I vos a piece off der same tings, vunce ; and, 
I know hiss up-trodden and down-trodden pathvays ; 
and, how soometimes he try hard too cotch der first, 
or der next going-out-trains, dot he may sell moore 
goots before he sleep again. I remeember how, mit 
vun occasion, I tried mooch-hard too cotch vun, and 
hollowed mit der condooctor, too stop der pool-een- 
gine and vait a minute ; but der blame-ting vould not 
at all leesten, and ven I vent back mit der hotel- 
clerk, I tole him strong vot I tink, vunce. 



161 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 




I hafe coome too tole you dot you iss der eembody- 
ments off mooch no-count meaness. Vye mit der 
meescMefs, did you not vake-me-up, vunce, so dot I 
cood cotch der next trains, ass I tole you I Now, I 
cannot to-day sell too mercliants eeny moore re- 
ceipts for making black-berry pies, mitout berries, 
and iss mit der devels and der deep blue-seas, till der 
next going-out-trains ; and, if my brain vos a leetle- 
moore-madder, and my height soome-taller-up, I 
vould cause you soome personal-troobles. You 
charge me feefty ceents mit vun bath, ven I cood 
buy enough vater for dot, too bathe forty catties, 
vunce. 



162 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 




Meeses Smoogles sayes : Hammie, I see mit der 
press-papers dot a geentleman hass yoost returned 
from an oxtensive trip around der vorld. Oh! but 
how anxious I iss too take vun off der same trips, yes. 
I sayes : Mudder, dot iss no new tings, at all. I 
know many peeples vich take a trip like dot efery 
day, and I am oxpecting to doo der same ting mit der 
next tweenty-four hours, if der earth-doont stop mit 
its turnings, no. 



163 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

I hafe rnoore reespect for der butt-eend off a 
keeking mule, den I doo for der man vich iss a great 
poleemetician mit election day oonly. All two off 
dem iss der first cousins mit der doonkey, yes. 

Der oonly deeference between der Deemocratic 
party and der Eepooblican party iss dot all two off* 
dem iss running for der same blamed-office, and 
both oxpecting too vin, yes. 



Meeses Smoogles sayes: 
Hammie, I hear so many 
peeple talking mit der 
heart-lufe, and tings. How 
iss it dot der heart can be 
meexed-up mit lufe? I 
sayes: Mudder, der deec- 
tionary-man hass got der 
heart-and-luf e m e e x e d 
wrong soome vay. Der 
heart iss o only-flesh, dot iss 
all, and iss vun awfully 
beesy-leetle-ting, night and 
day, and vich hafe no time at all too fool-mit sooch a 
ting ass lufe. It iss der poomping-station for der 
blood, and dot iss all it can hafe time too doo, and 
ven it take vun-leetle- vacation, or go too fooling-mit- 
lufe and tings, den you iss-dead, vunce. 




164 



HAM Ml E SMOOGLES 

Coonfound der Joory Seestem ! Keecently soon a 
man vos tried mit twelf goot men for moorder. Dey 
reetired all mit der same bed. Because vnn off der 
twelf cood not agree mit der iidder-vuns, instead off 
hanging der moorderer, der vun-man hoong der 
whoole dad-blame joory mit out a trial, yes. 




Der oonly vay too 
got a goot spelling- 
educations iss mit 
der blue-back-spell- 
er, near der back- 
voods off der coon- 
try ; vare der school- 
cabins hafe poon- 
choon-floors ; and der 
seet-beenches iss made oft" split-logs, mitout-backs, 
vare you seet all day long mitout feet-rests or back- 
rests ; and vare you all-der-time hear der udder chil- 
dens spelling-out, ven you iss trying so hard mit 
study, vunce. 

Martineela sayes: Daddy, hass der trees got 
troonks, and doo dey pack soome leaves mit dem, 
vunce? I sayes : My soon, der trees doont bafe no 
troonks at all, no. Dot iss annudder false sayeengs 
mit der deectionary-man, yes. 



165 



HAMMIE SMOOGL.es 




Vile passing mit a reesidence reecently soon, mit 
der moon-light efenings, I spied a yoong man and 
yoong lady, oxercising der eendependent libertees 
off courtsheeps. Der ndder peeples had retired too 
private sloomberings. I sayes mit myseelf, less stop 
a meenite, and mabee ve vill make soome new dees- 
ooveris; and vile vaiting, der yoong female-lady 
vent mit liquidations and vos soon mit der arms-off- 
a-receiver, yes. 

166 



HAMMIE SMOOGLE 



My leetle soon 
Hammie, vent too 
crawl through der 
crack off der 
vence and got 
fastened like a 
p e e g y. Mrs 
Smoogles came 
running too der 
back-rear off der 
house, mit great 
oxcitements and 
sayes : Hammie, 
run mit der ax too der voods and cut a hand-spike 
quick vunce, leetle Hammie iss suiciding mit der 
fence. I grapped der ax and rooshed too der voods, 
cut der spike and back. Ven I got too der front yard, 
leetle Hammie vos yoost breathing hiss last-eend, 
and soon vos asleep mit der angels. He looked so 
happy from der teerrible oxperience vich he had, 
dot ve lef him stay mit-der-fence, till der funeral 
coome, yes. 




Human nature iss a vonderfully inconsestent doc- 
tren. For eenstance, ve see udder peeple doo tings, 
vich ve violently condemn ; and yet approve der very 
same tings fully, if we or any off our own famely 
doo dem, yes. 



167 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 




Hammie sayes : Mudder, 
a boy tole me recently 
soon dot hiss daddy 
joomped a boord-bill, 
yoost how far pleese, 
vonld he hafe too joonap, 
vnnce? Meeses Smoo- 
gles sayes: I doont no 
my soon, go osk yonr 
farders, for I tink he iss 
'""--i^.^^^^^/S'^i^^^^-z, \ used to doo der same kind 
"^^^SSf^-^^^ ^ off oxercises; but I can- 
not now tole you how many, nor how far he joomp, 
no. 

I like vunderfully mooch, and mit pleasures, too 
votch der cute leetle feeshes, ven dey play back-and- 
forth by deemselfs, mit der clear-crystal vaters. 
Jy&Y iss mitout doubt, der reeal embodyments off funs 
and tings. I cood yoost seet and votch deir pretty 
mouths and ruby-lips a long, long time, mitout sleep, 
ass dey look sooch-a-resemblance, too soome off der 
female-girls, yes. 

Der iss mooch goot mit all off der peeples a part 
off der time ; and a part off der peeples all off der 
time ; but der iss no-goot mit all off der peeples and a 
part off der peeples, mit der same time, no. 



168 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

I beelief dot mit der lowest pitts off der Hells 
vill be found der blackmailer and der slanderer, 
vare two-shifts off der Devels Angels vill be kept 
busy, keeping der fires alvays punched up goot and 
hot, too accommodate der capaceety off der vuns mit 
der pitt, yes. 



I vos riding mit 
a street car in 
Washington Ceety 
last August, and 
heard vun lady say 
mit annudder vun: 
I was completely 
snowed-under all 
last week. My ears 
being shocked mit 
sooch a sayings, 
mit der hot soom- 
ertime, I turned and sayes: Oxcuse my pardons, 
Meeses, but vare vos you all last veek! She sayes: 
I was down in Georgia. Being still moore oxcited 
mit her statements, I oxclaimed: Mine got, vot a 
calameetees! Iss der crops ruined, please? She 
sayes: No the crops are very good, I thank you. 
Snow mit soomer, in Dixie-Georgia, and der crops 
not ruined ! Vot you tink off dot, vunce ? 




169 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 




I tink dot der 
saddest ting mit 
tongue or pen, iss 
der Camels back 
vich might hafe 
been-soome udder 
shape. It look mit 
me dot der poor 
ting hass been 
broke-twice ; and 
den der neck prized 
np, so dot der 
head steek mit der 
elements, straight np, mit mooch sorrowful-sadness 
off der eyes. Efery time ven I look mit him, I yoost 
vant too go off, mit a brier-patch and coommit quick 
death-suicide, for he iss der saddest and der ugliest 
off all der human-cattles, yes. 

According too der doctrens off Meester Socrates, 
you may ven you die, be transmigrated mit der form 
off a Camel, and lif again mit all sooch ugliness ; but 
if so, I can not see how you vill efer oxpect vun- 
happy-day. Ven I go, mit der heavens, if I find der 
poor old broke-back camel deir, I know my happi- 
ness vill be at vun last-eend, for vun sad-look mit 
him, yoost throw my stoomache all out off sorts, 
vunce. 



170 



HAMMIE SMO OGLES 



Der anemal vick 
make me run avay 
qnick-fast, iss der 
blamed old fpole-cat- 
skoonk. Oh ! but 
sooch a foul-breath- 
oders, ass lie bafe, ven 
he breathe mit you 
strong. How der 
cheeckens efer stand 
him iss der puzzles off 
der communitees; but der iss vun goot and honest 
ting mit him and dot iss; you alvays know who 
stole der cheeckens, if he stole dem ; ass he vill leff 
der strong-breath-oders mit you and udders for 
seeveral days; and gife you der oder-direction off 
hiss goings too, yes. 




I soometimes often vish too sayes deese sweet leetle 
prayers : Lord hafe meercy upon der goot men 
and vimmins off deese vorld. Hafe mooch great 
meercy upon der foul-mouth poison-tongue slanderer; 
vich iss alvays trying too blacken and deestroy goot 
characters, mit der foul-mouth and poison-tongue. 
If deese black characters efer slip mit der Kingdom 
off Heaven, please notify der sweet angels mooch- 
quick ; dot der own characters may be saf ed from der 
serpents hissing tongues. Amen, yes. 



171 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 




After surrounding 
March, den I said : 



Der greatest War- 
Battle vich I efer saw 
vos ven a boy. Three 
leetle girls and three 
leetle boys agreed too 
surround and bom- 
bard a boomble-bees 
nest. We asseembled, 
I vos der coomman- 
der, and der veppons 
too be brooshes cut 
from der booshes. 
der nest, I sayes: Forward 
Fire ! All coommenced too bat- 
tle. Soon tweenty-fife too feefty bees rooshed 
out like boolets mit efery direections. I sayes: 
Took mit your legs girls, took mit your legs boys. 
Dey begin too scatter. Vun bee strook a girl mit der 
calf; annudder bee strook annudder girl above der 
knee; annudder bee got mit a boys breeches. Der 
girl toore off der skeert, and der boy roon out off 
hiss breeches. I den sayes: Forward March, but 
der sooldiers vould not. Vun boy vent hoome mit- 
out hiss breeches ; vun girl mitout her skeert. Re- 
soolts off der battle mit killed, voonded and meess- 
ing: Three dead bees mit der battle feeld; two 
voonded girls; vun voonded boys; vun meessing 
skeerts; vun meessing breeches. Oxpleenations : 



172 



H A M M I 



SMOOGLES 



Ven a bee shoot hiss steenger mit you, vich iss all 
der instrooments off varfare vich he hafe, he vill lef 
it mit you; and not hafing any vay too defeend 
heemself any moore ; he grow deespondent and coom- 
mit sooicide, mit der feeld off battle, by breething 
hiss last-eend, yes. 



Dey sayes dot der reeson 
iot all der fameeles off der 
rabbet kingdoms hafe no 
tails, but soome cottons 
7are der tails used too vos; 
tss dot der first deescovered 
rabbet, vos found mit der 
3otton fields, ven der man 
cut off hiss tails mit a hoe; 
ier rabbet run through der 
cotton fields, mit a bleeding-cut-off tails and dot 
soome cottons steek mit der bleeding place, vare der 
tails vos, yes. 




Off all der beasts, catties and tings, delifer me 
avay-from der grown-up spoiled child. He iss der 
eembodyments off deessatisfactions, unhappeeness 
and groomblings. I vould yoost lufe too use a strong 
sheengle-board, mit der rear-eend off hiss anatoomys, 
for thirty-seex times der space, vich coovers day and 
night, yes. 



173 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 



^\?\\l// 




song-notes, yes. 



If I cood be vun bird- 
seenger, like Meester 
James Calvin Hooper, off 
Dallas, Texas, ven he wrote 
der book Portinia; I vood 
climb der tallest-up tree off 
der foreests; get vay out 
mit der top-leembs ; streetch 
my leetle neck and immoor- 
talize der foreests, mit der 



Last veek I vos valking mit der lane off der ceety, 
mit annudder geentleman, ven ve met mit a man 
cooming. Der geentleman sayes: From the way 
that man walks he must feel his oats to-day. I 
sayes : Veil, he iss my neighbors, mit der coontry ; 
but he raised no oats deese yer. He planted a crop 
but der blame-tings yoost sprouted, dot vos all. Dot 
iss der vay off meeny American mans. He tink he 
hass mooch-oats, but no. 

If I had forty-vun soons, I vould gife efery vun 
off dem an educations ; but vould not gife dem any 
mooneys at all, no. Der yoong man iss better off, ven 
he doo mooch-battle in making a start mit life. Der 
mooneys vich he make, steeks mit him heap mooch 
better, den vot hiss daddys gife him, yes. 



174 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

Caruso sayes: Daddy, vye iss it dot ven der 
busy lanes cross eacli udder, dot der ceety hafe a 
poleeceman to tell der shoofers mit der automoobeels 
ven and how to stop, ven to go, and how to go, please! 
I sayes : My soon, der yoong shoofers doont hafe 
no respect at-all-mooch for der pooblicks, hafing 
nefer attended sooch a college deemselfs; and der 
ceety moost see dot dey doo not roon ofer all off der 
peeple. Dey hafe rooned ofer der poleecemen sev- 
eral times, already; but cannot nefer kill dem, ass 
dey hold polecees mit der eenshoorance coompanies, 
free from death, vunce. 

Der iss nottings 
so beautifully-nice 
too hafe mit der 
house ass der chil- 
dens, oxcept it iss 
der peegs. Dey iss 
full mit rompings, 
gigglings, noises, 
cryings and tings ; 
and ven you vish too 
read or sleep, how 
sweet it iss too hear der noises. Mudder and me 
nefer iss reel-happy, unless ve iss alvays bathing 
der keeds, tying up der stumped-toes, or vorking mit 
dem all night-long, yes. 




175 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 




"^ Meeses Bmoogles 
' sayes: Hammie, I 
[f^^ bet feefty oeents 
you cannot tole vot 
sharp ting I did to- 
day? I sayes: I 
know yo u i s s 
mooch-sharp but 
vot you doo? She 
sayes: I vent mit 
der apartment store and osked der man if he vould 
gif e me creedit mit a seven-dollar hat vunce ; and he 
say yes, so here iss it. I vill to-morrow go mit der 
same store, beefore der transaction cool-off, and get 
annudder vun yoost like it ; and haf e him charge dot 
vun, den I vill hafe two hats mit no pay, vunce. I 
sayes: Mudder, you iss der very eembodyments 
off sharp-shrewdness. I vill doo my hats and caps 
and tings der same-vay, yes. 

Der sayings vich sayes : Spare der rod and 
save der childens iss mooch wrong. Der human 
fameeles iss moore like der mules den dey iss like 
deemselfs. I am afraid off der doctrins vich, ven 
der mules iss unrooly, dot you moost loofingly rub 
hiss ears and hiss neck too make him pool. I hafe 
vorked der blamed-fool mules long enough too know, 
der doctrines yoost vont vork, no. 



176 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

Der Biple iss mooch wrong ven it sayes: Bridle 
der tongue. Der iss many vimmens and mens vicb 
hafe tongnes too-long to bridle, yes. Der oonly reem- 
edy, too releef der suffering fameeles and coommu- 
nitees, mit vich der long-tongues oxist, iss too hafe a 
surgical-amputations oif der first seex eenches off 
der free eend ; after vich not oonly der coommunitees 
and fameeles vould hafe mooch great rejoicings, 
bondfires and tanksgifings ; but der cut-off poortions 
off der tongues, vould hafe mooch peace-and-rest, 
yes. 

I soome times alvays 
tink dot der best meedi- 
cines to gife a spoiled 
child, vich hafe a bad dees- 
positions, iss too feed it 
mit three vippings daily, 
and shake veil before gif- 
ing. If der three doses 
doos not act veil, make der 
meedicines stronger and 
gife moore frequently 
often ; but remeember 
deese, dot if you begin 

eerly mit life, too gife der meedicines, der child vill 

not need mooch, no. 




177 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 




Meeses Smoogles vos reading der press-paper, ven 
she turn mit me and sayes : Hammie, I tink dot der 
automobeel iss a beautifully-pretty ting, vich glide 
ofer der ground-surface so smooth, yoose like der big 
sheeps mit der ocean. I sayes : Mudder, dot iss all 
mooch true, but der iss vun ting I do not at all like 
mit dem, and dot iss, dot dey iss like der gun and der 
boolet, dey hafe no reel eyes at all. Dey hear you 
cooming, and fill deemselfs mit air and blow-strong 
mit a noise ; but doont hesitate at all, not ef en after 
you iss runned ofer ; and doont look mit deir glass- 
eyes, nor listen-to-see how mooch dead you iss. Off 
course, der blame yoong goat, vich pool der blow- 
treegers and tings, mit a swelled head, can not nefer 
know der seetuations off your coonditions, for he 
hass no goomption-sence, and hass not nefer attended 
der College-Off-Human-Eespect, no. 

178 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 



Meeny peeple talk 
so mooch mit-der- 
mouth, and say sooch 
a small-few-tings, dot 
dey doo not haf e eeny 
time mit vich to lees- 
ten mit vot udders 
may say; but all der 
time keep der toong- 
and-mouth going, 
yoost like der buzzing electric fans, vich you see mit 
der ceety; both otf dem blowing- vind all der time, 
and nottings moore. It look mit me, dot der brain 
vould becoome deesgusted, and file a beel for separa- 
tions, mit der law-courts, vunce. 




I vos vunce introduced mit a red-headed lady-girl 
off New York State. I wrote her a leetle letter mit 
a varm lufe-vord or two. She replied and said: 
Don't be discouraged, but a great storm of snow and 
sleet is raging, and I cannot write warm words. I 
wrote immeediately soon and sayes: Der same 
blamed-storm hass hit deese section, and efery vord 
I write hass a leetle iceecle hanging, mit der bot- 
toms. I nefer heerd annudder vord, but alvays 
soopposed dot she died, moost-instantaneoosly, for 
der vant off breath, yes. 



179 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 



Meeses Smoogles 
sayes: Hammie, vye 
iss it dot der yoong 
keeds iss so deeffer- 
ent ass dey used to 
vos, ven ve vos cMl- 
dens, and dot now 
dey doo moost-all- 
der-talkings ; and mit 
der street cars and 
udder places, dey doo 
not joomp-up and 
gif e older vuns der sects and tings 1 I sayes : Mud- 
der, ven ve vos childens, der farders and mudders 
made der childens keep-quiet, ven older peeples vos 
talking; and also made dem joomp-up and gif older 
peeples sects and tings ; and iff dey did not doo dot, 
dey vould get soome good sweetch-vippings, vich 
make dem dance around, vunce ; but now teember iss 
so-scarce and loomber so-Mgb, dot der parents can 
not find eeny sweetches or sbeengle-boords ; and der 
childens grow-up, mitout mooch corrections at all, 
and yoost doont try too know eeny better, no. 




Ven I yoost too lif mit der coontry, I vould often 
votch der leetle peegs drink der slops, and votch dem 
ravel and unravel der curly leetle tails. Yen dey 
feels goot mit dreenking, dey vould curl up der tails 
and den uncurl dem again, and versi-vicer, yes. 



180 




HAMMIE SMOOGLBS 

Vun ting I do not nefer 
\^ish too again meet, iss der 
fiat-beel-duck. Der noise 
vich he make mit der beel, 
iss woorse enough; but dot 
iss not half-so-mooch der 
trooble. Efery time ven I 
meet mit him, and look-good mit der heel; I nefer 
fail too disremeemher der udder heels, vich poke- 
deemselfs mit my face, der first off efery month, yes. 

I alvays like better too hafe argumentations mit a 
voomans den mit a mans. Ven you argue mit a 
mans, he vill go all aroound der house too oxplain der 
locations off hiss poositions. A voomans will not doo 
dot, no. Ven you osk a voomans too state der rea- 
sons vye she beeliefs ass she does mit her soobjec; 
she vill tell you at vunce, and her answer iss alvays 
re^y; and ven she gif it, you can make no answer. 
She vill sayes mit mooch positive empheesis : Just be- 
cause ! How can you answer sooch a logeechianist, 
yes. 

I do not like soome off der languages vich Mr. 
Shakespeere use, nor do I like der coompanies vich 
he keep ; but I vill take off my cap mit his ef er-boob- 
ling-gefiiuses, vich he put mit all hiss plays and tings, 
vich he write, yes. 



181 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 



Vile I beelief dot Meester 
Darvin iss mooch wrong, 
ven he say dot der man 
coome from der leetle 
smart-fool moonkey; yet I 
beelief strong mit der doc- 
trin, dot der vimmens 
coome from der bears. 
Moost off dem hafe al- 
ready, bear-arms and bear- 
ankles and bear-necks and 
tings, and it iss moost nat- 
ural too sooppose, dot der 
udder part off dem, vich ve 
doo not alvays see, iss bear- 
too, yes. 

Soome tweenty years ago, 
vun off my neighbors, vich 
I mooch luft, phoned ofer 
too know, if I vould be vtin 
off der corpse-bearers, mit der funeral off hiss mud- 
der-een-law. I sayes : Tanks, mit pleasures, I vill 
be oonly too glad too be vun. I hafe been voondering, 
all deese years, if der blame fool reely-meesunder- 
stood der meanings off der remarks, vich I sayes too 
him, yes. 




182 



HAMMIE SMOOGL.E 




Efery time, ven I look- 
goot mit der vimmens, I 
hafe sooch a sorrowful- 
sadness off der heart, dot 
// 1 yoost vant too go off mit 
a brier-patcli, and cry 
mooch mit my eyes. 
Deese high-cost off lifing 
iss vim awful, awful tings ! 
Yoost tink, how der beau- 
tiful, sweet lady-folks, 
hafe not and cannot get 
no mooneys at all mit vich too buy on a creedits, goot 
theek-varm stockings, and goot-varm sleeves, and 
soometings-at-all, too coof er der neck and tings ; but 
yoost all der time, vinter and soomer, hafe too go 
mitout sooch spleendid coomforts, yes. 



I hafe greater beleefs mit der doctrin off men and 
vimmen cooming from der hen and der rooster, den T 
hafe dot ve spring from der anceesters off a moonky. 
Vun reason iss, dot all off us moost scratch for a 
lifing; and annudder iss dot der hens and vimmens 
loud-cackle, and der men and roosters strong-crow; 
but der man iss moore off a reseemblance mit der 
rooster, den der rooster iss mit der man, yes. 



183^ 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

Martineela sayes : Mudder, I doo not like der looks 
off my face, ass my nose iss too crooked and my lipps 
iss not on straight. Meeses Smoogles sayes : My soon, 
doont bodder me mit your face. It may not now be 
yoost mit der latest f asMon-style ; but it vont be long 
till all der present styles vill change and you may 
den be all right, so go-along, vunce. 




Meeses Smoogles sayes : 
Hammie, I tink der poolece- 
mans iss a mooch valuable 
man mit der coommunity, 
and dot he iss der eembody- 
ments off protection. I 
sayes: Yes mudder, dot 
iss all mooch true, he iss vun 
man vich ve cood not doo 
mitout at all, and eef it vos 
not for him, nottings vould 
be safe no moore, no. 



Meeses Smoogles sayes : Hammie, doont you tink 
dot life iss plum-full-up mit eempty dreams, vunoe? 
I sayes : Veil mudder, der iss mooch moore poetry 
den trooth, mit vot you say. Life iss followed-up 
mit happeness vun day, and mit un-joys der next, 
yoost vun blame-ting before der udder vun, all der 
time, yes. 



184 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 




Mit vun occasion avay 
down mit der Savannahs 
off Dixie-Georgia, I be- 
coome der geest off a street 
car for a veesit mit a yoong 
female-lady friend, and 
osked to be put off at 
East 31st Street. After 
hafing gone about three 
miles, I sayes too der con- 
dooctor: Iss ve not vay 
past our journeys last-eend vunce? He sayes: 
lord, man you aint never started yit. Being mooch 
provoked mit bad humors, I sayes : Stop-quick, der 
blame car, and let us pray, vunce. Ven I return mit 
der hotel, Mrs. Smoogles sayes: Hammie, vare mit 
der mischeefs hafe you been! I sayes, mit mooch re- 
leegious meekness off der voices : I hafe been pray- 
ing mit der street cars, yes. 

Meeses Smoogles sayes : Hammie, I hear so- 
mooch talkings and tings mit der Anglo-Saxon-Race, 
how iss dot, please? I sayes: Veil, mudder, I vill 
tole you how dot iss. It iss all mooch true dot der 
Anglo-Saxon-Race iss vun great race, vare der iss 
mooch rooning ; but ven you coome too tink reel-hard 
mit it, der Keentucky Gildings, mit der autumn fairs, 
ise after all, der swifteest roonners off all der human- 
cattles vich hafe mooch legs, oxcept perhaps, it iss 
der snakes, yes. 

185 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

Meeses Smoogles sayes : Hammie, vot make you 
look so-long mit Meesses Smith today "? Do you tink 
dot she iss beautifully-pretty, or vos you looking- 
eyes mit soome mischeefs? Vinking both-eyes mit 
each udder, I sayes, mit a releegious tone off der 
voices : I vos yoost looking-to-see, eef der vimmens 
iss really mit eeny kinsheeps off der moonkeys, ass 
Meester Darvins sayes, yes. 



Mit der exeegences 
off vun occasion, ven 
I vos cooming down 
from der hill-tops off 
der mountains, into 
der low-lands off 
der valleys, a geen- 
tleman met mit me 
and sayes : Is this 
Mr. Smoogles? I 
sayes : Yes, deese iss 
Hammie Smoogles, 
vot iss dot vich you 
vant mit me I He sayes: I am told that you are 
the biggest false-liar-teller in the whole country, and 
I jest wanted to get one good look at you, sir. I 
sayes: Tanks mit der complements, look mooch 
ass you like, yes. 




186 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 



I beeliefs mooch mit der doctrins off der Heavens 
and der Hells, and dot der goot vill go mit der 
heavens vare all iss peace, and happiness ; and dot 
der bad vill go mit der hells, vare all iss Devels and 
fires and tings, yes. 

Der moost down-trodden 
off all der human-cattles iss 
der hooney-bee. He get up 
eerly and vork late all der 
time, mit no rest at all, not 
efen mit Soonday. Ven hiss 
mouth iss all sore-blees- 
tered from gathering der 
sweet-hooneys, and he hafe 
filled-full der gum; dot he 
may lay-up and eenjoy 
soome nice-eatings, during der cold vinter; der 
white-man coome along and rob-take all he hafe, mit 
no pay at all. Ven I tink-strong mit sooch high-vay- 
robberys, my eyes iss so full mit sorrowful-sadness, 
dot dey roon streams off cryings, and I vant too yoost 
joomp mit boiling-hot vaters, and coommit quick as- 
sassinations, mit myself, vunce. 

Meeses Smoogles sayes : Hammie, I iss so glad- 
happy dot I yoost vant too joomp-up-and-down all 
der time, vunce. I sayes : Vot iss der matters, mud- 
der, dot make you dot vay ? She say : Oh, but I iss 
too-happy too tole you der causes, so go-along, vunce. 

187 




HAMMIE SMOOGLES 




Meeses Smoogles sayes : 
Hammie, vye iss it dot der 
yoong men and student- 
boys ven several off dem 
iss to-gether, doo not 
seet-np and behafe deem- 
selfs like geentlemen, ven 
dey iss mit der train, der 
street cars and ndder 
pooblick places; but all 
der time play-pranks, sing, 
and cut-up-and-down so 
mooch? I sayes: Mudder, your ears vill be sad 
ven I tole you. Vun reason iss dot soome off dem 
hafe been brought-up mit a cabin-hoome near der 
back-voods, and hafe not nefer been used too mooch 
off a pleenty; annudder iss dot der leetle-cabin, vich 
raised dem, did not hafe any fire-side, vare boys iss 
soopposed too get eenstrooctionsmit der parents ;and, 
annudder iss so sad I can hardly tole you, and dot iss, 
dot dey iss like der beely-goat, ven he valk der ceety- 
lanes mit hiss tails steeking der wrong-vay, dey doont 
seem too learn mooch by seeing udders ; and den dey 
vant also too make a-show-off, vich dey tink iss 
smart, but vich iss mooch unseensible, and un-nice, 
vunce. 



188 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 




Meeses Smoogles 
sayes: Hammie, ve 
iss for a long, long 
time been so-happy 
and so-poor. Doont 
you tink dot der hap- 
piest peeples iss der 
un-rich vuns ? I 
sayes: Well, mud- 
der, I vill tole you 
how dot iss. Der rich 
can hafe soome tings dot der poor doont hafe, 
and der poor soome vich der rich doont hafe. It 
iss all mooch true, dot der rich hafe beeg fine-auto- 
mobeels and tings, vich dey eenjoy; but soometimes 
der blame-ting get scared and roon avay and kill dem, 
before dey hafe time to make der last-payment ; and 
den again, vile dey iss een joying der oxpeensive 
rides, ve iss valking mit health-oxercises, vich dey 
hafe yet too take; and vile dey iss vaiting for der 
shoofer too get der pool-eengine ready too go, ve iss 
doon-gone and back-again, mit no oxpeense. Vile 
der rich can hafe no fires, mit der vinter ; and yoost 
hafe too smell-der-smoke from der basement, ve can 
seet-up and votch der beautifully-pretty blazes, mit 
our-own-eyes, and eenjoy der heat and tings. Van 
der rich hafe beeg fine-houses and tings, dey hafe 
efery month too pay bills, vich often dey worry be- 
fore dey pay ; and hafe also too-pay-taxes and tings. 

189 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 



Ve hafe no creedits, because ve iss poor, but at der 
same time ve iss not annoyed by der beel-coUector, 
efery few days; nor mit der paying off taxes and 
tings. Annudder ting, der rich iss coompelled too 
buy mooch clothes for a show-off and tings ; and iss 
meeny times troobled because der clothes doo not 
make ass good a show-ofP, ass some off der udder- 
vuns. Der iss meeny tings I cood tole you, but I vill 
stop mit vun moore, and dot iss der eatings. Vile 
ve, all der time hafe der goot corn-bread-and-cab- 
bages, vich make us stroong and healthy ; dey cannot 
hafe dese coomforts, for eef der neighbors see dem 
eating sooch-tings, dey vould cut dem out off der so- 
cieety-list ; and dey hafe too eat tings vich gife dem 
awful-digestions and tings. Vun udder ting I 
yoost must mention, and dot iss der childens. Ve 
iss had twelf childens, eef dey vos now alife vunce; 
and you know mit vot great-happiness dey hass been 
mit cryings and noises mit us. Mit der rich, dey 

cannot afford too 
hafe but vun-or-two, 
ass dey cost too- 
mooch too raise, mit 
oxpenses; and also 
send dem off 
too der base-and- 
foot - ball - depart - 
meents, off der Har- 
vards and der Yales, 
190 




HAMMIE SMOOGLES 

vunce. Der poor iss got nottings, and nottings iss 
expected mit dem, so you see dot der geeneral-seet- 
uations, iss about der same after all, vunce. 

On yeesterday I 
vent up-and-down 
town too der barber- 
shop and sayes : 
ilafe you, Meester 
Pittman, vun goot 
shafe left mit me! 
He sayes: Have a 
seat, Mr. Smoogles, 
I have seen them all, 
and I assure you sir, 
that you can find 
none better. I sayes : Tanks mit pleasures. Ven 
I get goot mit der chair, he say : How will you have 
it, boiled, poached, scrambled or turned! Vinking 
and smoling vun eye mit der udder vun, I sayes: 
Vim side, please. Ven he get through mit me, I sayes : 
Vye mit der meeschiefs did you not shafe der udder 
side off my face, vunce? He sayes: You said one 
side. Being provoked mit bad humors, I vent out mit 
soome mumblings, and mit hotness off der collar, 
vunce. 




191 



HAMMIE SMOOGLE 




I sayes mit Meeses Smoogles : Mudder, off all der 
peeples mit der earth, noone off dem can be off soocb 
an importance mit der pooblics ass, der goot old far- 
mer-man, mit hiss ploAvs and tings. Yoost tink, vot 
a hard, hard, time ve vould hafe, eef all der farmer- 
men-and-vimmens vos dead, and ve cood hafe no 
good corn-bread-and-cabbages, vunce. 



Katreena sayes : Daddy, I hear so meeny peeples 
talking mit Adams-House-Cat, yoost how large and 
big vos der cat, please? I sayes: My daughter, 
Adam did not hafe a house-cat, and in fact he had 
no house at all, but yoost liff mit der Garden-oif- 
Edens, and vare fig-leaves and tings, yes. 

192 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 




Martineela sayes : Daddy, I heard a geentleman 
on yesterday say, I am between the devil and the 
deep blue sea. Yoost how far-separated-apart iss 
der devils and der ocean-seas, please ! I sayes : My 
soon, I iss no whale nor akin too der feeshes, and hafe 
not nefer lifed mit der oceans; but eef dey iss ass 
near-close mit you, ass you iss mit der devils, you iss 
den mit mooch great danger off being swallowed-up, 
mit drownings quick, vunce. 

Meeses Smoogles sayes : Hammie, ven I call you 
at seex oclock, vye did you not vake-up and coame too 
der corn-bread-and-cabbages, vunce ! I sayes : Der 
reasons vos, dot I vos yoost rooning-ofer mit sleep 
and dreamings, and vos tinking-how, I vould luf too 
stay-alvays mit der same coonditions, yes. 

193 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES 




D e r rear-hind- 
sight off der fool, iss 
mooch better ass der 
front-fore-sight off 
der same fool. He 
V i 1 1 V e n yoong 
spend-away moore 
moneys den he 
make, mit smokings, 
gamblings, carousings, drinkings, and tings. Ven he 
get mit ole-age, he vill den haf e too dig-mooch mit der 

grub-hoe, among der 
roots, vurms and 
tings, mit sweatings, 
and groomblings ; 
vile hiss fameles 
and childens iss hun- 
gry mit rags and 
-'" tings, yes. 

Meeses Smoogles sayes : Hammie, I hafe read so- 
mooch mit der press-papers about Washington Ceety 
and her 400,000 peeples. Doont you tink it iss a big- 
shame dot dey iss all deaf and dumb, dot dey cannot 
oxercise der voice mit der councils off der nation 
and vote, vunce ? Veil, mudder, dey iss not deaf and 
dumb, dey yoost doont hafe der right too vote, dot iss 
all. It iss all mooch true dot dey should hafe a right 
too vote, because dey hafe too-pay-taxes and tings, 




194 



HAMMIB SMOOGLES 

yoost der very cause vye ve fought hard mit our 
father-eoontry, mit der Evolutionary Wars, vunce. 

Meeses Smoogles 
sayes: Hammie, vye 
mit der meescheefs, 
did you seet like a 
noom-skull, all der 
time ven Messes 
Jones and Meeses 
Smith vos here to- 
day ; and vye did you 
not talk soome mit 
us, vunce ? I sayes : 
Mudder, I thought you vos vise ass too my quietness, 
ass I hafe so meeny times oxplained der causes mit 
you. I hafe tried so meeny, meeny times too say 
soometings, ven der vos two or three udder vimmens 
present besides myseelf ; but efery time, ven I try 
hard, two off der mouths vill got ahead oif my say- 
ings ; so dot all I can doo, mit sooccees, iss too say 
nottings, ass der udder vimmens iss queeker, mit 
vorking der mouth-treegers den I iss, vunce. 

It iss very mooch unseensible for mudder too scold 
or vipp a child, den pick up der leetle spoiled rascal ; 
put it mit-her lapp ; throw her arms around it ; and 
try to sooth its rebeellious spirits. In doing sooch a 




195 



HAM M IE SMOOGLES 

ting she iss yoost paveeing-der-vay for moore 
scenes off dot character. Der heep-best vay iss too 
vipp and yoost let it squall, till its squaller gets 
mooch-sore, yes. 

Too Der Pooblicks Again Vunce: I am mooch 
sorrowful, mit great sadness oft' der heart, dot my 
yoongest lifing soon, Darian, hafe turned ofer der 
eenk-bottle and broke der pen ; and der grocery store 
vare 1 buy, hafe vent mit der arms-off-a-receiver ; dot 
1 cannot now wrote moore books, so go-along and 1 
vill soome day wrote mit you soome moore, after 1 
find how you like deese, mit der telegram- vires ; but 
doont fail too forget too hafe der vire-man seend der 
blame-beel mit me, der first off efery-month, yes. 




196 



"PORTINIA" 



Dear Eeader: — 

If you like sublime poetry, impregnated with 
love *s pure soul, if you want to read an epic of divine 
passion, teeming with emotional climaxes, and throb- 
bing with heart-nourishing pathos, clothed in ro- 
mantic and beautiful English, get a copy of Portinia 
and other poems. This poem is 142 pages long, and 
is undoubtedly the greatest love epic in verse yet 
written. The other poems, some 75 in number; 
many of which are acclaimed by high authority, to 
be gems in future anthology. To a Nightingale, 
The Skylark, The Mocking-bird, Christmas Eve, The 
Temple of Nature, The Garden of Gethsemane, To 
the Nine Muses, The Creation, Providence in Na- 
ture and many others are among the most classic. 
For copy of these poems write to James Calvin 
Hooper, the author. 

Dallas, Texas.— Price Cloth $1.25 



197 

I ■ 



a 



HAMMIE SMOOGLES" 



I have had all the sayings of Hammie Smoogles 
published in the form of a small paper-back book, 
containing about one hundred pages, price 25c. 
This paper-cover book has eighty interesting and 
amusing illustrations, and the cover design, being 
printed in four colors, makes a most beautiful and 
attractive cover. Sold in book stores, news stands 
and on railway trains. It makes a very attractive 
gift, and is calculated to produce smile-tears at any 
time, and is one of the most pleasing and laugh-pro- 
ducing books ever published, the cover and illustra- 
tions alone being worth double the price of the 
book. Call on your book store for a copy, or send 
us 25c, and obtain this book at once. 

Captivating — Refreshing — Amusing — Instructive. 

Address the author, 

JACOB THOMPSON JOHNSON, 

Atlanta, Ga., U. S. A. 



198 



